Quokes/Jotes...Continued!
- Thread starter Pisis
- Start date
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Nonskimmer
Captain
v2!marconi
Airman 1st Class
- Thread starter
- #185
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
israeli invention, as well..........
cheddar cheese
Major General
Neat 
Nonskimmer
Captain
Cute.
- Thread starter
- #189
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
That's stupid!
Now here's a real thing:
As the El Al plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish you to remind you that using cell phones on board this aircraft is strictly prohibited.
To those who are seated, we wish a Merry Christmas, and hope you will enjoy your stay. And to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones, we weish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home!"
Now here's a real thing:
As the El Al plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish you to remind you that using cell phones on board this aircraft is strictly prohibited.
To those who are seated, we wish a Merry Christmas, and hope you will enjoy your stay. And to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones, we weish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home!"
A couple go on holiday to Israel, during the holiday the woman dies and the Israeli authorities tell the man; "You can have her buried here for £150, or have her sent home for £150,000," the man requests her to be sent home. The Israelis ask why; "She can have a very good service here for much cheaper," and the man replies, "I'm sure she can, but 2000 years ago a man here awoke from the dead - and I can't take that risk."
- Thread starter
- #191
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
LOL
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
nice pD, and i fail to see the point in the find hitler game..........
Good one pD. Lanc that is the point... it is pointless...
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
17 seconds it took me, i know someone that'll quite like that game........
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
TALKING CLOCK
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
A pilot died at the controls of his aircraft and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while the pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.
Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.
He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered the pilot.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell."
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while the pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.
Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.
He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered the pilot.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell."
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA JERRY
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
GEORGE W.BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA JERRY
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
GEORGE W.BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Nonskimmer
Captain
Good ones Lanc.Users who are viewing this thread
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