special ed
2nd Lieutenant
- 5,723
- May 13, 2018
Quotes and Jokes
- Thread starter v2
- Start date
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special ed
2nd Lieutenant
- 5,723
- May 13, 2018
special ed
2nd Lieutenant
- 5,723
- May 13, 2018
SaparotRob
Unter Gemeine Geschwader Murmeltier XIII
I'll go with tasteless.
Greg Boeser
2nd Lieutenant
Never fall asleep at a party.
GrauGeist
Generalfeldmarschall zur Luftschiff Abteilung
MiTasol
1st Lieutenant
At one job I was asked to write an ISO9002 procedures manual, something I had successfully done before.
The ex Real Amateur Air Force WC who was my boss rejected it as inadequate and wrote a replacement five times as thick without bothering to read any of the Standards literature and duly submitted it.
Standards Aus showed up to do their acceptance audit and for their first question asked for a cleaner to be bought into the conference room. They gave him the manual and asked him to say what he thought the first paragraph, which contained the short phrase proactive synergy meant.
Audit failed right there and then.
SaparotRob
Unter Gemeine Geschwader Murmeltier XIII
At my first real job, I was tasked (hey kid, do this) to write an evacuation plan. I worked really, really hard on it. I spelled out every sequential step. The very last step was for the "Fire Marshal " (me) to leave the building.
Just to see if the boss actually read this lengthy tome I wrote:
"having ascertained the floor is cleared, the Fire Marshal will then get the f***outta' here, via the fire exit."
He said I did a good job and it was posted at both fire exits. The New York City fire marshal loved it.
Just to see if the boss actually read this lengthy tome I wrote:
"having ascertained the floor is cleared, the Fire Marshal will then get the f***outta' here, via the fire exit."
He said I did a good job and it was posted at both fire exits. The New York City fire marshal loved it.
special ed
2nd Lieutenant
- 5,723
- May 13, 2018
I kept this sign from my last employment when I retired.
MIflyer
1st Lieutenant
They say that mobile homes attract tornadoes.....
.... but it's not just tornadoes. Picture of a Thor space booster at Vandenberg AFB. And note that the white picket fence is untouched!
.... but it's not just tornadoes. Picture of a Thor space booster at Vandenberg AFB. And note that the white picket fence is untouched!
cammerjeff
Staff Sergeant
SaparotRob
Unter Gemeine Geschwader Murmeltier XIII
Awwwww.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.
The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question:
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer.
He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.
The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question:
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer.
He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"
A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said"
The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said"
The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish.
His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that, now how do you feel"?
The boy says - "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English bastards already".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said"
The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said"
The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish.
His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that, now how do you feel"?
The boy says - "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English bastards already".
buffnut453
Captain
She must have been a bleached brunette.
