Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

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Lucky13 said:
View attachment 715710

1040?? 🤨🤔
Click to expand...
In the U.S., you have to fill out and submit a form annually, which declares your income for the previous year, which calculates taxes due.

The word "form" is misleading: it's a raft of papers AND there are three different versions:
1040 - this form should only be completed by a professional unless you're a sadist with a passion for mental torture.

1040A - this form *may* be done by a layman, but is a beauracratic version of "Magic: the Gathering", where you'll need to have all your artifacts, power levels and such in full effect before embarking on the journey.

1040EZ - the EZ part is misleading. It is not. They want you to think it is, but it's a trap. Hire someone to do if for you and go have a drink while waiting for the results...
 
GrauGeist said:
In the U.S., you have to fill out and submit a form annually, which declares your income for the previous year, which calculates taxes due.

The word "form" is misleading: it's a raft of papers AND there are three different versions:
1040 - this form should only be completed by a professional unless you're a sadist with a passion for mental torture.

1040A - this form *may* be done by a layman, but is a beauracratic version of "Magic: the Gathering", where you'll need to have all your artifacts, power levels and such in full effect before embarking on the journey.

1040EZ - the EZ part is misleading. It is not. They want you to think it is, but it's a trap. Hire someone to do if for you and go have a drink while waiting for the results...
Click to expand...
But it is easy.
Line 1. Income. List all monies received from wages, tips, interest and dividends, change found on ground at bus stops, etc.
Line 2. Multiply line 1 by .10 to .39
Add this to line 1
Line 3. If line 2 is larger than 0, this is your tax. Send it.
 
F-15 Leader (heading east over the Atlantic) : "Okay, we're at the refuelling bracket, but we can't see you guys - where are you?"

KC-135 Leader (out of Mildenhall) : "Well we're at coordinates <whatever> at FL 30 as specified and we can't see you guys either."

F-15 Leader : "That's 'cos we're at co-ordinates <different whatever>. You guys are in the wrong place: come over to us and tank us."

KC-135 Leader : "No, I've got the orders in front of me and we're definately in the right place: you come over here if you want fuel."

F-15 Leader : "No! We're right and you're wrong! You come over here!"

KC-135 Leader : "Fine: let's see who runs out of fuel first... " <click>

E-3 AWACS (heading west, transmitting on the emergency channel at full power in the deepest booming voice they could find) : "ATTENTION ALL AIRCRAFT IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC AREA. ATTENTION ALL AIRCRAFT IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC AREA. THIS IS THE VOICE OF GOD. REPEAT: THIS IS THE VOICE OF GOD. THE TANKERS ARE RIGHT. REPEAT: THE TANKERS ARE RIGHT. GOD OUT."

F-15 Leader : "Er, what were those coordinates again.... "
 
Extract from a Book by an ex SR-71 Pilot:
...
Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace. We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed.
Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground."
Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country's space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that... and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.
Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed.
"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed."
Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.
Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios.
"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."
Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet.
And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion:
"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."
And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.
I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet.
Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke:
"Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?"
There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an everyday request:
"Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."
I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice:
"Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money."
For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the HoustonCentervoice, when L.A. came back with,
"Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."
 
In a similar vein:

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

"The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...
 
"Distinguishing Ranks Easily"

General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.
Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Captain
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.
Lieutenant
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.
2nd Lieutenant
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.
Officer Cadet
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
RSM
Catches hyper sonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
Is God.
 
The old General on his death-bed says to his priest "Can you promise me that there are no RSMs in Heaven, I always got a hard time from my RSM." The priest assured him that there were no RSMs in Heaven.

The General duly passed away and was signing in at the Pearly Gates he spots a man in No.2 dress, Sam Brown with a pace stick. He turns to St Peter as says "I was assured that there were no RSMs in Heaven!" St Pete says it was OK "That is not an RSM, it is just God, who wishes he was an RSM!!"
 
IMG_9072.JPG
 
The words that make you look intellectual
You certainly heard them from a speaker at a lecture or read in a publication at least once.

Noun :
Tropism
Truism
Exegesis
Synoptic view
Capacity rebalancing (or porting change)
The layout
A management wheel
The scope of study
Iso efficiency
The cognitive battle
Chrominance of intervisibility
The dematerialisation of training
The granularity
Breaking the unit of time
The behaviorist mode
The Trainer
The sequential process
The just need
A paradigm
The replay
An agency (only to replace the word department)
A gap (only to replace the word shortage)
The lacunarity

Adjectives
Transverse
Flexible
Versatile
Suitable
Perennial
Synchronous
Interoperable
Preening
Relevant

Verbs
To concatenate
To impact
To decorate
To distract
To decrement
To implement
To overweight (a capacity)
To variant
To sadden

Others
Under constant envelope
Forward me your slaid
In fine
It's sexy
By capillary action
In the light
We must reinvent war
All or part
Back-up
Under compendium (in limited time)
 
Frog said:
The words that make you look intellectual
You certainly heard them from a speaker at a lecture or read in a publication at least once.

Noun :
Tropism
Truism
Exegesis
Synoptic view
Capacity rebalancing (or porting change)
The layout
A management wheel
The scope of study
Iso efficiency
The cognitive battle
Chrominance of intervisibility
The dematerialisation of training
The granularity
Breaking the unit of time
The behaviorist mode
The Trainer
The sequential process
The just need
A paradigm
The replay
An agency (only to replace the word department)
A gap (only to replace the word shortage)
The lacunarity

Adjectives
Transverse
Flexible
Versatile
Suitable
Perennial
Synchronous
Interoperable
Preening
Relevant

Verbs
To concatenate
To impact
To decorate
To distract
To decrement
To implement
To overweight (a capacity)
To variant
To sadden

Others
Under constant envelope
Forward me your slaid
In fine
It's sexy
By capillary action
In the light
We must reinvent war
All or part
Back-up
Under compendium (in limited time)
Click to expand...
I had a professor once who passed out a list of pretentious words that were verboten in his class.
I wish I had saved it.
A student used the word exacerbate in a question and the prof just gave him the death stare.
 
Greg Boeser said:
Irregardless.
Click to expand...
I had a supervisor, while writing a report, throw the dictionary across the room, turn to me and ask, "How do you spell irregardless? One R or two?" As the junior employee in the department and the one with a bit of higher education, I thought quickly as I pretended to consider the spelling. The secretary looked at me with terror in her eyes. Realising why he couldn't it in the dictionary, I said, "Some older dictionaries aren't complete. I would use two Rs." I retired after 30 years.
 
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