Quotes and Jokes (12 Viewers)

[GTX]

 

[GTX]

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.

The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor's wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor's wife. We had great fun that day!"

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains.....

 

[GTX]

So, 4 nuns die at the same time, and they're all lined up at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells the first one to come up and says, "Alright, Sister, before I let you in: Tell me, have you ever touched a penis?"

The nun is a little nervous, knows better than to lie, and says: "Yes, Peter. Just once, with my pinky."

Peter says, "Alright," and lays a bowl of Holy Water down before her. "Just dip your pinky finger in here and you'll be purified, then we'll let you in."

She does, and is let in.

Peter calls up the second nun, and says, "Alright, Sister, same question: Have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well, Peter," she says, red as a beet, "Father McKenzie made me give him a handjob once-- just once!"

"Okay," Peter says, "Just wash your hands in the Holy Water and we'll let you in."

She does and is let in.

Peter is about to call up the third nun, but he notices that the fourth nun behind her is visibly shaken, pale, and really nervous. So he says, "What's the matter, Sister?"

She gestures to the third nun and says, "Well, if it's all the same to you Peter, I'd rather gargle that water before she sticks her ass in it."

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Lucky13]

 

[ARTESH]

View attachment 716071

I think I'm the last generation which this rule applied to...

As we say in Persian [literal translation]:

They wash you, and dry you!

می شورن، خشکت میکنن

 

[ARTESH]

View attachment 716069

Underpaiment! Although not sure! because there was no pay back then.

 

[ARTESH]

 

[MiTasol]

View attachment 716069

THat is the sort of work our council does

 

[ThomasP]

 

[ThomasP]

 

[ThomasP]

 

[Wurger]

- I'm calling you to say I love you.
- Sir, you called the brewery.
- I know.

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Snautzer01]

View attachment 716183

I miss:

 

[buffnut453]

I miss:

View attachment 716184

It's off picture to the right because it's performance is so far ahead of all the other ships illustrated.

 

[special ed]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed, Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "

I knew what was coming and STILL laughed.

 

[special ed]

 

[Gnomey]