Quotes and Jokes

Freakin funny stuff guys great job

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

**** no!" said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of Asians, a Poof, and anything Aboriginal."

good if politically incorrect...

Good one V2..

LMAO!!

There's a sadist, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophiliac, and a masochist
sitting in a mental hospital chatting.

The sadist says
"If we had a cat, I'd torture it!"

The zoophile says
"If we had a cat, I'd torture it and then f..k it!"

Then the murderer says
"If we had a cat, I'd torture it, f..k it and then murder it!"

Then the necrophiliac says
"If we had a cat, I'd torture it, f..k it, murder it and then f..k it
again!"

Then there is a silence and the masochist says:

"Miaow!"

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be
easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, lists of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're
doing

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do
this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Excellent...

nice

Wit and Wisdom from Military Manuals:

"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."- Infantry Journal
----------------------------- ---------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------------------------- ---------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy" - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
----------------------------- ---------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps
----------------------------- ---------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
---------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me." - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt
----------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds" - Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
----------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
-----------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
----------------------------- -----------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." - Unknown
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
---------------------------- -------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------- "
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
----------------------------- -------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
----------------------------- ------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
----------------------------- -------------------------

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully."
------------------------------ -----------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
----------------------------- --------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
----------------------------- ---------------------
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
----------------------------- --------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
----------------------------- -----------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell
(Lockheed test pilot)

Nice Syscom3 Nice!

Excellent!

Oh some of those are priceless.