Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

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AS soon as I come back and I see laugh-a-planty.
 
Very Good Wayne!!!

Time for a true story...
Last summer my wife and I and our then seven year old granddaughter, who we are raising, had to take a 150 mile trip. On the way home late in the afternoon and about 15 miles from home I got pulled over by a State Trooper for doing 61 in a 55 zone. The trooper walks up to the car and asks for the usual documents (Papers Please! with heavy "B" movie German accent). So he looks at me and says "Mr. D do you have any priors?" I replied "No sir I don't" Just then a little voice in the back seat says in a loud voice "Yes you do Papa, you have a whole lot of them at home in your tool box!" The trooper and I both looked at each other and I'm sure there was a panic type look on my face. After about three LLLoooonnnngggg seconds it dawned on me what she thought he said. "I quick replied "No Sweetie, the officer didn't say PLIERS, he said PRIORS" All of us got a good laugh out of it and I got off with a warning. And Luci got a Junior State Trooper Badge!
 
That's great Doug!..

Another one...

A US border patrol agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes, right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says," sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now!"
The Mexican pleads with him, "No, Noooo senor, I must stay in de USA, pleeeze!"
The agent thinks to himself, " I'm going to make this hard for him." And says:" Ok , I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican of course, agrees. The border patrol agent tells him, "The three words are, green pink and yellow, now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican thinks really hard for a couple of minutes and says…." The phone, it went green, green, green, I pink it up and sez, 'yellow'."
 
Superman was patrolling the city´s skies when he spotted WonderWoman taking a sunbath on her private terrace...she was completely naked and with her legs spread wide open.

Superman thought to himself: "This is my chance to have intercourse with Super Woman...knowing my superior speed is that i will dive on her at the speed of light, have intercourse with her to immediately fly away...she will not even know what happened...here i go..."

Superman commenced his dive at the speed of light and hit his target and fled the spot.

Superwoman noticed something strange and asked the Invisible Man: "What was that honey?".

He replied: "I do not know but for one second my as+hole itched a lot..."
 
A Teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories……

Karl said: " My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all of the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" said Karl. "Very Good" said the teacher.
Next, little Emily raised her hand and said: "Our family farms too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we got only ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
"That was a fine story, Emily," said the teacher. "Mick, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes," said Mick. "My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon, who was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was three bottles of rum, a machinegun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke, and then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"
"Well," said Mick, "Stay the hell away from Auntie Sharon when she's been on the pi*s!"
 
The teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffff, Ffff Ffff...

And before he could say "F#ck," the Rottweiller ate him!"
 
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