Thanks...I needed a laugh...
Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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Konigstiger205
Staff Sergeant
Great jokes guys!
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
The airliner was boarding as usual when this one young lady takes a seat in First Class. The Flight Attendant (FA) goes up to her and asks for her ticket. She then tells the woman that she only has a coach ticket and must go back to the coach seating. The woman reply "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." The FA tries to explain the seating arrangements but the woman again replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to L.A. first class." The Capt walks onboard and hearing the discussion pulls the F.A. to the side. He says "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He walks up to the blond woman and asks her where she's going. Again the woman replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to L.A. first class." The Capt then leans over and whispers something in her ear. She immediately jumps up, grabs her belongings and dashes to the coach section. The F.A. is amazed and asks the Capt what he could possibly have said that made the woman move that fast? "It was easy," said the Capt. "I just told her the front of the plane wasn't going to L.A." 
Brilliant!!
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- #725
Matt308
Glock Perfection
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Holy crap i just snorted dr pepper out my nose!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds t o hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. < /P>
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds t o hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. < /P>
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
ROFL!!!!!!!
Thats Great...
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
- Thread starter
- #732
Konigstiger205
Staff Sergeant
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Thorlifter
Captain
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim, climb a mountain, and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim, climb a mountain, and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
DOUG I found it!
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
P: = The problem logged by the pilot.
S: = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
------------------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
P: = The problem logged by the pilot.
S: = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
------------------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
An oldie, but goodie.
syscom3
Pacific Historian
My turn .....
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As
they say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go
away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You're a
putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm
deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad,
a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are equivalent to the
seeping pus from the afterbirth of an aboriginal gang bang, left lying
in the sun for three days. You are a bleating foal, a curdled
staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal
accompanying your alleged birth in to this world. An insensate,
blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling,
giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in
recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at
the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut.
Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are
a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you
smell? You snail-skulled, little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you
up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you
loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy
pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy,
convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary,
stale, flat and unprofitable.
You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and
disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you.
Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic,
starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And
what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements
of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with me and the others
in this room? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that
your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a
leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite
of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile.
You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling
meatslapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool.
You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the
personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and
benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery
and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody
woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless
base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You
dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You
churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey
poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting maggot. You
gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing
beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward,
and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I
feel debased just for knowing you exist.
I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I
cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond
the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You
are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself, so
far, that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense
that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day
sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our
entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a
troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this
is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some
pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be
beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.
This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear
from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride
your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant
trivia, or any of the rest of your drivel. Duh. The only thing worse
than your logic is your manners. I delete all of your posts because,
well... they never really say anything. Maybe later in life, after you
have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more
success. True, these are rudimentary skills that us "normal" people
take for granted and have an easy time mastering. But we sometimes
forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world such as
yourself. Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the
best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to
be placing such a demand on you.
Respects
Cya
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
I'm glad you found it Chris because I searched high and low and couldn't find my copy. What you have is exactly the same as what I had. By the way... the one about the tire almost needs changing? I actually saw that one used. A LCDR wrote up the left nose tire on a P3A Orion as almost needs changing and a friend of mine signed it off as almost changed it. The NX Maintenance Chief let it go saying if the LCDR was dumb enough to write it up that way he's let the sign off stand as is.
