Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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President Bush calls a cabinet meeting to discuss current issues in the Middle East. He is told that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in combat the previous day. All the blood runs from his face and he just about begins to cry.
"Mr. President," says someone, "you sure are taking this personally."

Bush lifts his head and quietly asks, "Just how many is a brazilian people?"
 
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.


Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
 
I've been reading some of these...... where do you guys get this stuff ??

The one about the golfing nun tore me up..... I almost fell out of the chair !

Charles
 
Ole &Sven

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in
the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too.
Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz.

Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and
got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact
he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis
mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too.

Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff
-- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee"
 
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day sh e hear d the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you. You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
doorbell didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
 
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