Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

[michaelmaltby]

Hillarious ...

 

[Lucky13]

 

[at6]

Alouette IIIs in disguise, hoping to be mistaken for your normal everyday flying elephants.
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They didn't last very long. Ivory poachers wiped them out.

 

[vikingBerserker]

Man, could you imagine THOSE "bird droppings".

 

[at6]

If you're still "feeling the Bern", get to the hospital. That girl gave you something.

 

[buffnut453]

Never felt Bern and have no intention of feeling him...EVER!!! Just sayin'.

I have been to Bern though...twice. Lovely little town!

 

[ARTESH]

Alouette IIIs in disguise, hoping to be mistaken for your normal everyday flying elephants.
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Just imagine Noah's face after he sees this!!!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[javlin]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

 

[Thumpalumpacus]

This joke got me a slap from my girlfriend in Spain:

Q: What's the difference between a cheeseburger and a hummer?

A: I'll tell you over lunch -- McDonald's sound good?

 

[v2]

 

[SaparotRob]

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Short and sweet. Brilliant.

 

[ARTESH]

Obaid Zakani says: Once I was passing by a cemetery; I saw a long tombstone. I asked the gravedigger: Whose grave is this? He said: Army's flag-bearer who was killed in the war. I said: Did you bury him with his flag?!

Ubayd Zakani - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[special ed]

A drunk man, smelling of booze, sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face covered with lipstick prints, and he had a half empty bottle of gin in his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, sleeping with prostitutes, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of a bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," he said and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking of what he said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope has it."

 

[Андрей]

View attachment 637651

There were queues for bread during the war and after the collapse of the USSR, under Yeltsin, the scumbag.

 

[Thumpalumpacus]

A drunk man, smelling of booze, sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face covered with lipstick prints, and he had a half empty bottle of gin in his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, sleeping with prostitutes, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of a bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," he said and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking of what he said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope has it."

The Pope boards an airplane and seats himself in first-class next to an older lady. The lady, a devout Catholic, was awestruck and wondering how to greet the pontiff when he opened his carry-on and pulled out a crossword-puzzle book and got to work; that was her opening.

"Your Eminence, I see you enjoy crossword puzzles," she noted.
"I do," he replied, "but I'm stuck on this clue -- 'female in your family'. Four letters, blank-u-n-t is what I have."
The lady thinks for a second and is horrified at her first thought, which is far too vile and obscene to utter to the Pope himself, but as she's struggling the answer occurs to her. "Aunt!" she blurts out. "A-u-n-t!"
His Holiness roll his eyes and says, "But of course! Say, do you have an eraser?"

 

[special ed]

Warning!
A smart ass comment:
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then it was too late."

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[ARTESH]

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neither of those were useful for us! so, no difference at all!