Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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A marine officer who was a tank commander in Vietnam said that on one mission his tanks were paralleling an infantry unit, who supposedly was navigating. The infantry officer came over and asked him where they were. The tank commander said he had not been keeping close track of their position but pointed to a spot on the map.

The infantry officer said, "We can't be there! We're not supposed to be there!" He called for a NCO to hand him a compass, laid it on top of the tank, where the needle just spun around. "It's broken!" He picked up the compass and tossed it back to the NCO. "Give me another one!"

Note: Tanks are made out of METAL and also generate all kinds of electromagnetic fields.

One day I was in the CVS at a major intersection and a man walked in and said, "I am trying to get to Cape Canaveral, the Kennedy Space Center. Am I headed in the right direction?"

I replied, "Those are two different places and they are 20 miles apart. Which direction are you headed?" (We were on a corner. North, South, East, and West were the choices at that comer ).

He replied, "I am headed for Cape Canaveral, the Kennedy Space Center."

"But which direction are you headed?"

"I am headed for Cape Canaveral the Kennedy Space Center."

I gave up and said, "Yes, you are headed the right way."
 
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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?

"Vladimir Putin," she says.

"Why Vladimir Putin," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Jewish girl could have enough love to give him Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to President Putin, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know, "Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the bastard!"
 
An elderly Italian man living in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work. His only son, Vincent, had always helped him, but now he was in prison. The old man wrote in his next letter to his son and described his problem.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be planting tomatoes this year because I'm getting too old to dig the garden. I know if you were here you would be happy to dig my garden like the old days.
Love Papa

His son wrote:
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up the garden. That's where all the bodies are buried.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning the FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire yard and finding nothing left.

The old man received another letter the next day:
Dear Pop,
Plant your tomatoes now. It is the best I can do this year.
Love Vinnie
 
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