What women say, what women mean.....

[Lucky13]

It's a cliché that when men talk to women we say exactly what we mean, and when women talk to men every sentence is a spring-loaded mantrap of hidden meaning and subtle criticism.

But it's true.

At least, it's true some of the time, particularly when the woman who is talking to you is your wife or girlfriend. The fact is, men use fewer words than women, and quickly get to the point. Women, on the other hand, are masters at using vague language and subtle hints to get what they want.

Which can cause a lot of confusion. Quite simply, we just don't always get it. We miss the hints and pass right over the vague language, in the hope that something more straightforward will come along in a minute or two. Then we get snapped at for not listening properly.

So to help both sides of the gender divide, here's our girl-speak primer. We've compiled a list of the things she says, and an accompanying list of what she might actually mean. As you'll see, the two can be quite a long way apart.

What she says:
Do you think I look fat in this?
What she means:
Your answer will make or break the entire evening

She's dropped the bombshell, but were you ready for it? A moment's hesitation can be fatal.

To state the obvious, she is not asking you whether she looks fat in this. She is telling you to reassure her that she is not fat, period. If you ponder the decision or express any sort of ambiguity you can chuck the concert tickets and restaurant reservations straight in the bin.

The only correct answer is, "no, because you don't look fat in anything," delivered without a hint of humour or sarcasm. Trust us, this is not the moment to claim your right to freedom of speech.

What she says:
Are you going out with the boys again this weekend?
What she means:
You are not going out with the boys again this weekend, are you?

The difference between "are you going out with the boys this weekend?" and "are you going out with the boys AGAIN this weekend?" is one little word and a whole world of pain.

Again, she is not so much asking a question as issuing a warning. She thinks you are not spending enough time with her, and it's up to you to decide whether you think she's right.

What she says:
Can you put the toilet seat down?
What she means:
Why are you so useless round the house?

OK, if you have a habit of not putting the toilet seat down, and you are a domestic god in other areas, it might just be about the toilet seat.

But women are skilled negotiators. She may simply be using the toilet seat issue to flag up your more general domestic laziness. She doesn't want to go in all guns blazing yet, because that would cause a huge row. But she will if she has to.

This is a warning shot across the bows: make an effort round the house or face the consequences.

What she says:
I'm going to bed early tonight
What she means:
I'm going to bed early tonight

The only time men do look for hidden meaning and the possibility that what she says is not entirely what she means is when we think sex might be on the cards.

There has to be a reason for her wanting to go to bed early, and that reason is obviously an insatiable desire for our red-hot bods.

Hmm, either that, or she's knackered, wants to read for a bit before lights out, or simply wants to get away from us for a while.

Sometimes she says exactly what she means. This may be one of those occasions.

What she says:
I'm absolutely fine
What she means:
I hate you

OK, maybe "I hate you" is a bit harsh.

But when a woman has cause to tell you she's absolutely fine, she seldom is.

Certainly you can never take such a statement at face value. Why is she telling you she's fine, when her attitude and demeanour should be all the evidence you need?

What women often mean when they tell you they're fine is that they're not fine, but are prepared to save the argument they're currently brewing for a more suitable time.

What she says:
I need to cut down my spending/cake intake
What she means:
YOU need to cut down your spending/cake intake

Aren't women lovely? Instead of saying hurtful things like "you're too fat" or "you spend too much money on rubbish", they'll dress up their concern more generally.

So 'the two of us' might need to diet, or 'we' have to get on top of our spending.

If your BMI has been creeping up and your overdraft has hit four figures, it's time to realise that she probably just means 'you'.

 

[JohnAnthony]

Actually my experience is that when she says "I need to cut down on my spending," what she really means is "you need to make more money."

 

[mikewint]

No man knows what true happiness is until he gets married, by that time, it is of course too late

 

[Glider]

A Woman marries a man in the belief that she can change him and is disappointed when he doesn't change
A Man marries a woman in the hope that she will not change and is disappointed when she does.

 

[P40NUT]

I think your right Glider!

 

[rednev]

Aisle altar hymn

 

[bobbysocks]

grooms smile at the altar because they are thinking all the years of great sex they will having from this lovely girl they are about to marry.
brides smile at the alter because they are thinking "I'm never going to have to do that (sex) ever again!"

 

[mikewint]

The Differences Between Men and Women
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

 

[mikewint]

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

 

[Matt308]

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Amen.

Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

And every man wants to get in Michelle's pants.

 

[mikewint]

Men automatically look when grandma bends over, they wash their eyes out with soap afterward but they still look, think it's in that y-chrosome

 

[Maestro]

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Oh, so that's why women prefer to have sex with the light turned off...

 

[mikewint]

Stop and think, how'd you like to see that thing coming toward you!

 

[machine shop tom]

Stop and think, how'd you like to see that thing coming toward you!

I would not be happy if I saw ANYBODY'S thing coming toward ME!

tom

 

[Maestro]

 

[Lucky13]