Military joke thread....feel free to post'em

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Airman 1st Class
Sep 27, 2004
The Story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy".

The teacher asked "Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
Well here are a few jokes and I will try and find some of my funny pictures and cartoons.

Military Rules Of Combat:
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think
of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

Don't draw fire it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

Five second fuses only last three seconds.

Helicopter Pilots should remember, If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If the C.O. gives an order, and there is a grimiest look on your D.I. start worrying if there will be a tomorrow.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

If you aren't sure, the SAM's are pointed at you.

If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Never forget that your M-16 was made by the lowest bidder.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.

No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

Pilots should be advised, it is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Professionals are predictable it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

Remember: Your aircraft and it's parts were made by the lowest bidders.

Smart bombs have bad days too.

Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

The best defense is to stay out of range.

The easy way is always mined.

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them and when you're not ready for them.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

There is always a way.

Try to look unimportant they may be low on ammo.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

You are not Tom Cruise.


This one is not quite Military but I thought it was funny so I will post it anyhow:

Proof The Germans Can Compromise:
After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.
I found this on the net...the first time I read it I about peed myself laughing....I will post excerpts from it....if enough interest I will post the whole let me know everyone...

Think of these as from a very smart PFC that is much smarter and ornrier than the norm....

20. Must not taunt the French any more.
22. Must never call an SAS a "Wanker".
26. Never tell a German soldier that "We kicked your ass in World War 2!"
29. The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms".
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
35. Not allowed to sing "High Speed Dirt" by Megadeth during airborne operations. ("See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker")
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called "Sgt Larwasa", not "Dr. Feelgood".
38. Our supply Sgt is "Sgt Watkins" not "Sugar Daddy".
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
a few more...let me know if ya'll are interestested in all of them....

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to "Go to Bragg Boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies".
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for "magic beans".
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote "Dr Seuss" on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell "Take that Cobra" at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote "Full Metal Jacket " at the rifle range.
54. "Napalm sticks to kids" is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to "Put Kiwi on my boots" does *not* involve fruit.
famous quote by Winston Churchill:

Exchange between him and Lady Astor
Lady Astor 'Sir, You are drunk'
Followed by Winston Churchill saying 'Yes, and you are ugly. Tomorrow, I'll be sober!'
one for X-mas


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