the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
how does my top woman look like a dude she's fit as!
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
- Thread starter Pisis
- Start date
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Matt308
Glock Perfection
Corpse Bride and Ms. Lee. I do see the resemblance. And their fit as!
Maestro
Master Sergeant
The Corpse Bride
Oh Goddamn... It just remembered me the movie "Nightwatch" with Ewan McGregor. This is sick !
With time a persons ideas change on just about everything, not just women. But yes tastes in women 100% change as you get older.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
What about this hottie?
Matt308
Glock Perfection
A young man was engaged to be married to a wonderful young woman. His fiance' had a sister and she was 18 and gorgeous. He hears a knock at his door and the hot sister is standing outside. He invites her in and offers her something to drink.
"I thought that I would stop by and let you know that I have had a crush on you ever since we first met", said the sister. "I recognize that you are about to marry my sister, but thought that perhaps before you formally committed to her, you might wish to have one last encounter. I understand you might have trepidation, so I'll go upstairs to your room get naked and slip into the bed. If you come up great. If you don't, that is fine too, and nothing will be said."
The sister leans over to push away from the table, exposing entirely too much cleavage and leaves the room heading up the stairs.
The man grabs his car keys and literally flies out the front door to his car, where his fiance' is waiting for him, standing with her arms crossed, leaning against his car. She says, "Congratulations. You have passed the test."
The moral of the story - Never keep your condoms in the car's glovebox.
"I thought that I would stop by and let you know that I have had a crush on you ever since we first met", said the sister. "I recognize that you are about to marry my sister, but thought that perhaps before you formally committed to her, you might wish to have one last encounter. I understand you might have trepidation, so I'll go upstairs to your room get naked and slip into the bed. If you come up great. If you don't, that is fine too, and nothing will be said."
The sister leans over to push away from the table, exposing entirely too much cleavage and leaves the room heading up the stairs.
The man grabs his car keys and literally flies out the front door to his car, where his fiance' is waiting for him, standing with her arms crossed, leaning against his car. She says, "Congratulations. You have passed the test."
The moral of the story - Never keep your condoms in the car's glovebox.
cheddar cheese
Major General
Had to read it 3 or 4 times to understand it though for some reason 
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
seen it before but the moral's always been do keep them in the glovebox!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
I didn't want you to accuse me of posting a lame old joke. Figured a single word change would throw you off the track.
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
you don't get past me that easily
Matt308
Glock Perfection
I shoulda known better. My apologies for assuming I could pull one over on your superior intellect.
cheddar cheese
Major General
Quit feeding his ego
Matt308
Glock Perfection
It's okay CC. I think sheep are predispositioned towards large craniums.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Rubbish robber gets fingered
Friday, December 15, 2006
Making a late, but impressive, bid for the title of 2006's stupidest criminal is the man who tried to commit an armed robbery in Des Moines on Thursday. The one flaw in his otherwise perfect armed robbery plan was that he wasn't armed.
Instead, he'd gone for the time-honoured method of sticking his hand in his coat pocket, pointing his fingers, and claiming it was a gun.
Unfortunately, his gun-impersonating skills left something to be desired. Terry Cook, the store clerk he was trying to rob, commented: 'I knew it was his finger. I could see his thumb sticking out of his coat pocket.'
When Cook pointed this out, the robbers' response was: 'It is a gun.' Quick as a flash, Cook came back with the riposte, 'No it isn't.'
Before the conversation could degenerate any further into playground back-and-forth, the would-be robber decided to walk off, defeated.
Cook pointed out in the aftermath where he felt his advtantage lay in the clash with the criminal. 'I know what a gun looks like,' he pointed out. 'I'm not stupid.'
Sgt. David Coy, speaking for the Des Moines police, lent his skills of forensic analysis to the matter. 'Think about it,' he noted. 'When you play cops and robbers how do you hold your hand? With the thumb sticking up, right?'
Ahhhhh. All that was missing was him saying...
"All right mother-stickers,this is a f**k-up. Put your asses over your head or I'll blow your hands off."
Friday, December 15, 2006
Making a late, but impressive, bid for the title of 2006's stupidest criminal is the man who tried to commit an armed robbery in Des Moines on Thursday. The one flaw in his otherwise perfect armed robbery plan was that he wasn't armed.
Instead, he'd gone for the time-honoured method of sticking his hand in his coat pocket, pointing his fingers, and claiming it was a gun.
Unfortunately, his gun-impersonating skills left something to be desired. Terry Cook, the store clerk he was trying to rob, commented: 'I knew it was his finger. I could see his thumb sticking out of his coat pocket.'
When Cook pointed this out, the robbers' response was: 'It is a gun.' Quick as a flash, Cook came back with the riposte, 'No it isn't.'
Before the conversation could degenerate any further into playground back-and-forth, the would-be robber decided to walk off, defeated.
Cook pointed out in the aftermath where he felt his advtantage lay in the clash with the criminal. 'I know what a gun looks like,' he pointed out. 'I'm not stupid.'
Sgt. David Coy, speaking for the Des Moines police, lent his skills of forensic analysis to the matter. 'Think about it,' he noted. 'When you play cops and robbers how do you hold your hand? With the thumb sticking up, right?'
Ahhhhh. All that was missing was him saying...
"All right mother-stickers,this is a f**k-up. Put your asses over your head or I'll blow your hands off."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,
wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...... .
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture
there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;
We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ....Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees...
Ees.........
Ees....
Eees a Ham Bush!
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,
wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...... .
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture
there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;
We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ....Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees...
Ees.........
Ees....
Eees a Ham Bush!
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