Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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"Roseanne reckons I've only got a 3 inch dick.
Well even a 747 looks small when it's flying in the Grand Canyon".

Tom Arnold after his divorce from Roseanne Barr
 
Trackend

The "Yerevan" radio broadcast said -
" At the Russian-Chinese borderline a small incident has occured.The Chinese recon patrol has opened fire to a Russian tractor ploughing the field.The tractor crew has responded with the laser fire and air missiles then flew away with the tractor to the base."
 
So, it's this little lads birthday and his dad ask's him what he would like.
Well, I'd really like a tractor if you can find one, says the lad.
Comes the day and he gets his tractor, he plays with it all the time, really loves it.
Along comes the next birthday, and the next and the next until he's 21, every year the same, he wants a tractor By this time he's six foot six and weighs 450 pounds.
As he's about to become 21 his dad asks again what he would like, another tractor?
Well actually dad I'm getting sick of tractors, I'd like some CD's, DVD's or some book tokens.
Taken aback his dad says, OK, lets go to town and you can pick what you like.
As they walk down the street they see a commotion and as they get closer they see a house on fire and people are stuck upstairs.
The lad, seeing all the smoke, rushes to the house, opens his mouth and takes a big breath in.
This draws all the smoke and fumes out the house allowing the firemen to get in and rescue the family.
The fire chief come over to him and say's well done, but how did you do that? Oh that's easy, says the lad,

I'm a big extractor fan!
 
K9Kiwi

What is a difference between a fridge and a woman?
If you put something soft in a fridge you take something stiff out the one.
But what about a woman?

A woman shouldn't be connected to a plug.

What did you think about?
 
A Scottish soldier in full ceremonial No.1 dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.

How much to repair it ?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one ?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says, "We'll have a new one."
 
A USMC squad was on patrol north of Fallujah when they came upon a badly injured insurgent. On the other side of the road was a badly injured Marine, who was conscious enough to tell the tale of the days events.

He stated, "I was scouting the road when I saw this armed insurgent coming south on the road. We both saw each other about the same time, and took cover in the ditches opposite of each other.

At that point, I yelled over to him and said "Saddam Hussein was an evil son of a bitch and got exactly what he deserved!"

The insurgent yelled "Oh ya? Ted Kennedy is a worthless liberal left wing drunk who doesn't know how to drive!!"

So I yelled back "Osama Bin Laden looks, dresses and acts like a mean spirited lesbian!"

And he yells "So does Hillary Clinton!!"

And there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands when this truck came along and clobbered us...
 
.Kiwi ,ten points in my five-points scale of sense of humor.


A woman went for shopping to a market.Looking for something interesting she noticed a guy who was selling something in jars.She approached to his stall and looked at a writing on a small card - "Mosquitos for sex - each one for 20$"
Excuse me - asked the woman -What for the mosquitos can be used?
For that what is written on the card - answered the guy.
Is it possible? - asked again the woman.
Certainly yes,I guarantee this.These mosquitos were training for two weeks and are ready for that.
So O.K. Can I have the one? - said customer and paid 20$.
Wait a minute - said the seller with a smile on his face - there is a warranty.If anything won't be right with the gnat call me,please.
The woman returned home.Then she undressed and took a shower.getting the bed she opened the jar with a mosquito.The insect jumped off and sat on a lamp at the ceiling.
Come on,come on - the woman encouraged the gnat. Unfortunately without any response of the mosquito.After 15 minutes the woman phoned the guy.
It is a dead loss - she shouted to a microphone.
Don't worry,I'm going.I'll be for ten minute - answered the guy.
Indeed,ten minutes later he rang the door-bell.
What is going on? - he asked.
What is going on - repeated the woman - NOTHING !!!! - she snapped.
O.K. get the bed,please - commanded the guy.And then he turned to the mosquito that still was sitting on the lamp.
Go ahead,go ahead- ordered but the gnat wasn't willing to move at all.
After ten minutes of encouragement he stopped this and doing up a belt at his trousers he said - Look, they got a two-weeks long training and I always have to finish it insted of them.
 
Harley Davidson

Arthur (Harley) Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and
5. The maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the
results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
 
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille
lettering.
 
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