Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Good enough to be in the Breaking News thread!
Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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Matt308
Glock Perfection
A U. S. M. C. sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less insurgent!
After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go."
"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' .........I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"
After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go."
"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' .........I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest are travelling in a train coupé together.
After some time, the preist asks the rabbi:
"Sorry that I'm so curious but is it true that people of your faith mustn't eat pork?"
"Yes, father, that is true." replies the rabbi.
"And tell me - as a colleague - have you ever tasted it?"
"Uhmmm, well... Yes, once I tried a small piece of bacon."
"And did you like it?"
"Well, I have to admit that I did like the taste..."
Then some time flows and now the rabbi asks:
"I'm sorry father, but I'm just wondering... Is it true that you are prohibited to touch a woman?"
"Oh yes, that is true."
"And tell me - as a colleague - have you ever tried?"
"To be honest with you, no!"
"Hmmm, pity," says the rabbi, "it is way much better then the pork!"
After some time, the preist asks the rabbi:
"Sorry that I'm so curious but is it true that people of your faith mustn't eat pork?"
"Yes, father, that is true." replies the rabbi.
"And tell me - as a colleague - have you ever tasted it?"
"Uhmmm, well... Yes, once I tried a small piece of bacon."
"And did you like it?"
"Well, I have to admit that I did like the taste..."
Then some time flows and now the rabbi asks:
"I'm sorry father, but I'm just wondering... Is it true that you are prohibited to touch a woman?"
"Oh yes, that is true."
"And tell me - as a colleague - have you ever tried?"
"To be honest with you, no!"
"Hmmm, pity," says the rabbi, "it is way much better then the pork!"
Santa was having a bad day.
All those letters to read, the Elves were on strike for more pay, Mrs Clause was in his face about using the sled today to do the shopping.
And to cap it all off the fairy walks in and asks where he wants her to put the Christmas Tree.
All those letters to read, the Elves were on strike for more pay, Mrs Clause was in his face about using the sled today to do the shopping.
And to cap it all off the fairy walks in and asks where he wants her to put the Christmas Tree.
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Matt and K9, good ones! 
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
Cota1992
Senior Airman
Aussie1001
Staff Sergeant
i like it
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Both
Becca
Staff Sergeant
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Of course he needed a new trailer. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Dodge Ram 2500."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a trailer, and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife. I told him, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing....'"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Of course he needed a new trailer. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Dodge Ram 2500."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a trailer, and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife. I told him, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing....'"
Becca
Staff Sergeant
Top 12 signs that Santa is SICK of Christmas.
12 - Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.
11 - Good, bad or on the fence -- *everyone* gets an AOL CD in their stocking this year.
10 - But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda, yadda...."
9 - Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 800-EAT-SUGARPLUMS"
8 - Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.
7 - Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell ringers.
6 - At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon.com magically appear in the e-mail in-boxes of good girls and boys.
5 - New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.
4 - Hey, kid -- them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!
3 - On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate Reindeer Cookbook."
2 - He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd ones this year and the even ones next year.
and the Number 1 Sign Santa is Sick of Christmas...
This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky
12 - Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.
11 - Good, bad or on the fence -- *everyone* gets an AOL CD in their stocking this year.
10 - But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda, yadda...."
9 - Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 800-EAT-SUGARPLUMS"
8 - Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.
7 - Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell ringers.
6 - At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon.com magically appear in the e-mail in-boxes of good girls and boys.
5 - New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.
4 - Hey, kid -- them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!
3 - On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate Reindeer Cookbook."
2 - He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd ones this year and the even ones next year.
and the Number 1 Sign Santa is Sick of Christmas...
This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky
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Becca
Staff Sergeant
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
True story:
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...
'Well, ****in stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...
'Well, ****in stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'
