Quotes and Jokes

MIflyer · Sep 9, 2024

A guy on our local Nextdoor webpage asked for a ballpark figure for adding a master bedroom bathroom with shower.

I responded that for a ballpark figure I did not think it would cost more than Yankee Stadium.

buffnut453 · Sep 9, 2024

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring at her.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The cabbie complies and the nun duly fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK, I have a confession, too. My name's Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.

Gnomey · Sep 9, 2024

Snautzer01 · Sep 10, 2024

Wurger · Sep 10, 2024

special ed · Sep 10, 2024

Disorder in the court:

DEFENDANT: Isn't it true, Kelly, that ....Oh, let me ask it this way. Can you tell the Court the reasons why your family didn't like me?
WITNESS: Just the way you are.
DEFENDANT: Tell us. Be explicit. How was I?
WITNESS: You're just...
DEFENDANT: Just what?
WITNESS: An asshole. How else can I put it?
DEFENDANT: That's an opinion. I want an answer.
THE COURT: That's the answer. You asked her what her opinion was and she told you.
DEFENDANT: Okay, Okay. We'll go with that. Why am I an asshole?
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JUDGE: Mr. E., you're charged here with driving a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol. How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?
Mr.E.: I'm guilty as hell.
JUDGE: Let the record reflect the defendant is guilty as hell.
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ATTORNEY: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
DEFENDANT: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many?
DEFENDENT: One, so far.
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DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Drugs cost a lot of money, don't they?
DEFENDANT: Not really. Some of them do, some of them don't.
D.A.: Cocaine is pretty expensive?
DEFENDANT: Cocaine is rather expensive.
D.A.: $100, $125 a gram?
DEFENDANT: Lady, you're buying it from the wrong person if you're paying that much.
D.A.: How about a discount? around $80?
DEFENDANT: That's a little better
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more tomorrow
ed