Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.


Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and
proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'


The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.


Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the
Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!'


More sighs and loud applause.


Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, I will give him sex!'


There is total silence.


The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
say that?'


Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said, 'Screw him!'


Isn't senility wonderful?
 
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"Ten," says the doctor.
"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"Nine....Eight...."
 
OK, you guys are always complaining about my posted females, too fat, too skinney so let's try these
 

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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
 
A former Marine sergeant took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him. They decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made the teacher's tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.
 
Curtis Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news. The mule died last night."
Curtis Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked,
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller what won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
 

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