RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Heh....ya just gotta admire honesty, and the backbone to stick to your guns. Or fried chicken. Either way. 
Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.....
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
TO
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
TO
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
7 degrees of blonde:
1st DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
2nd DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."
5th DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
6th DEGREE: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?"
the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
7th DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
1st DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
2nd DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."
5th DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
6th DEGREE: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?"
the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
7th DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
mikewint
Captain
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
TO
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
The late night comedians are coming up with some good ones.....
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
TO
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
TO
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, He says, "... the balcony..."
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, He says, "... the balcony..."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Jethro and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer.
Suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Jethro spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
A chief flying instuctor gets a telephone call from a pupil on a cross country flight telling him he has had an engine failure and has had to put down in a field and both he and the plane are fine.
After finding out his location the instuctor tell him to wait with the plane and he will fly down and pick him up.
The instructor sets off and eventulally spots the plane in the corner of a very small field. Right if he can get in there then so can I he thinks. He descends and does a circuit of the field, it's very very small.
I'm not going to be shown up by a student if I don't get it in there I'll never hear the last of it at the clubhouse.
So down he goes with the stall warning blaring he drags it over the near hedge and plonks it down as fast as he can. With sweat pouring off him he stands on the brakes and just manages to bring it to a halt with the prop chewing the brambles in the far hedge.
He gets out and walks over to the student
"I must commend you on a very good emergency landing I only just managed to get in here with a working engine. How you did it on a dead stick I really don't know."
"Oh but I didn't I landed in the big field next to this one then pushed the plane in here so you'd have more room to land"
