Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

LMAO!!!

Excellent..

Thats a great one udet1

Thanks guys!



A priest came to a Nun´s Monastery to preech the gospel to the nuns.

He arrived at night, and upon entering his chamber, thought it would be cool to take a refreshing shower. The Priest took off his clothes and then noticed something: "Oh...great...no soap".

It was midnight, and he was sure that under the strict Monastery rules, all the nuns should be asleep, so he decided to go and find some soap.

He left his chamber completely naked, and started walking down a long corridor, until he reached a small warehouse room where he found soap bars; grabbed one and immediately walked back to his chamber.

While still in the corridor, he heard the sound of voices approaching and saw a group of three nuns praying the rosary walking towards him. Shocked and bewildered, he decided to stand frozen against the corridors wall and pretend he was another one of the several statues of Angels and Saints that could be found there.

When the Nuns passed by the side of that unusual statue -after all they did not get to see too many men in their lives, much less a naked one-, they stopped and stared at the statue in curiosity: one said: "What´s this?".

The three commenced touching the nearly human looking statue, until one of them touched the genitals, and pulled it a little bit.

The "statue" let go the soap bar, and one of the Nun´s said: "Oh!! This is a soap delivery statue".

They continued pulling that little thing a bit further and harder, and another Nun yelled: "Ahhh...look...it also delivers liquid soap".

Mmmmmm... look out!

Thats so bad

Hey guys check this one:

After a hard day of work a man arrived home early in the night.

Her wife was watching TV and said to him:

"Frank...once more...you forgot!!!".

Frank: "Forgot what???"

Wife: "Today!!...our 10th wedding anniversary!".

F: "How do you think i would forget such a meaningful date honey???"

W: "I want you to take me out to dinner, then to see some good show....also i want to to go dancing."

F: "Do not believe me if you want, but that´s exactly the plan i had in mind!".

W: "Ok...take me to the Golden Strip Club".

F: "The Golden Strip Club?? That´s a vulgar place...what impropriety is this???".

W: "I do not care...take me there."

So, Frank took her to the Golden Strip.

Upon their arrival, the valet parking guy said:

"Good evening gentleman, its nice to see you again!".

Bewildered, her wife said Frank: "Weeeell excuse me? Nice to see YOU again?? You´ve been here before??"

F: "Are you kidding me? To this vulgar cave? These guys tell the same thing to anyone".

The security guy in the entrance door said -even if Frank was making signals to the security guy behind his wife as they approached the door- : "Mr. Carter, welcome."

W: "Mr. Carter...he knows you..."

F: "Sure he does! He works in the maintenance department of the building where the firm is."

Then Jerome, a waiter, came along and said: "Monsieur Carter, the best table as usual?".

W: "And this french too works for the maintenance department where you work?"

F: "Honey...no...this french used to work for Air France, where i always buy our tickets everytime we go to Europe on vacation".

W: -Notoriously upset- "You are shitting me..."

A bodacious woman selling cigars and cigarettes in the club passed by and said:

"Sweetie!!! Want your Gran Habano?". She grabbed one of those huge Habanos and placed it between her huge breasts. "Go for it baby...get your hands in there and get it yourself".

Frank´s wife was on the verge of exploding. Then the lights dimmed, and a super hot woman, with huge breasts ascended the stage and commenced dancing. Gradually she commenced taking her minimum clothin off as she danced wildly. She came down the stage, to Frank´s table and said:

"Honey...who´s going to take my thong off?" as she wildly moved her hips.

Then all guys in the club commenced cheering: "Frank!! Frank!!! Frank!!! Frank!!!".

The wife could not take anymore, fled the place at high speed, got in a cab; Frank came and got in the cab too, where his wife commenced beating him, insulting and pulling his hair out..."YOU F*CKERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"

Then the cab driver turned to them and said: "Say Frank, i´ve seen you with crazy sluts too many times but none come close to this tramp."

Two points for you Udet.

LMAO, Excellent Udet..

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Very Good NJ!

creidit given when its due and it was due good on you mate.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Thats funny wayne

A bloke walked into the Centerlink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know after all these years, I've realized that I just HATE living on the dole. I'd really much rather have a job, any job. I wanna contribute to society, not just be a parasite."

The fella behind the counter said, "Mate, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 25 year old daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and . . . you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!!!!"

The Centerlink worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me
why you're here to see the doctor today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist became
irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room
and say something like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, knowing the answer could embarrass someone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it."