Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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RAFFLING A DEAD MULE

An old country farmer with serious financial troubles bought a mule from another farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

However, the next day the other farmer drove up, and said, "Sorry, I have some bad news. The mule died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the mule."

"What are you going to do with a dead mule?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"

"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."
 


HOW MEN AND WOMEN RECORD EVENTS IN THEIR DIARIES

------ WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

-----HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A two-foot putt!!!..........who in the hell misses a two-foot putt?
 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
 
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"


"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
Quite well done, and amusing. The 'still' of the VW is a post 1960s model though, and the one bouncing along the ground is very well blended imagery, altered from the 'Upkeep' bouncing bomb trials at Chesil beach.
 

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