Quotes and Jokes

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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner. His wife screams at him in
front of the friend. "My hair makeup are not done, the house is a mess,
the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered
with cooking for you and your damned friend tonight! What the hell did you
bring him home for ?" The husband softly responds, "Because.... he's
thinking of getting married...."
 
Young people have theirs,now Seniors have their own texting codes:


* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in
 
Star Trek

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Cheers!
 
A man carries an old, worn out, punctured tyre in one hand, and 365 already used condoms in the other hand.
Showing the old tyre, he says "this was a Goodyear", then, showing the condoms, he says "and this was a very good year!"
 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie Princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers............and then there are educators.
 
Once upon a time in the forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and and orphaned snake. Coincidentally, they were both blind from birth. One day the bunny was hopping through the forest one way and the snake slithered from the other and they slammed into each other. "Oh my!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to hurt you, but I've been blind since birth so I can't see where I'm going. I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I'll tell you what... let me slither over there, figure out what you are and at least you'll have that going for you." So the snake slithered over to the bunny and said, "Well, you are covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cotton tail. You must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny. "Now maybe I could touch you and tell you what you are." So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, and not much of a backbone. I'd say you must be a politician."
 
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