Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
 
MY NEW BOYFRIENDS

I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.


Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along,
when he's here, he takes up a lot of my time attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired very glad to

go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer;
or whatever his name is. I forget!

and I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, JIM BEAM, JOSE QUERVO or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company.

Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper..the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
So have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and count your Blessings.
 
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other ******* using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another *******?"
 
LMAO!
________________________


Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first
 
michaelmaltby said:
Click to expand...
the Obama Warned Me pic is funny, I gather was it taken after the topless protestor had been re-clothed and taken away (for re-education at some gulag).

Alegedly
Mrs. Deutch "I'm sorry I wasn't expecting to see that, did you plan it for my birthday suprise?"
Mr. Poccyn "Oh how my heart was beating, I thought you were going to tweek her, since your hand is almost tweeking me now"
Mrs. Deutch "Oops, sorry, it Is a little fun, only in Russia you say!? I think this was all just a ruse to make me laugh"
Mr. Poccyn "Really, that's not at all what just happened, I didn't organise it"
Mrs. Deutch "Oh good because my personal bodyguard is so high (her right hand indication) and so big ( left hand indication), he likes Judo too ...if you like ...it could be arranged"
Mr Poccyn "Really, mm a 'match' with him in the future, maybe I will grapple with your guard if you like; you'd watch yes. ...So big eh? well don't tell anyone else, but (his right hand indication) I'm like this *his left hand indication*"
Mrs. Deutch "Oh my, mmm, thats tighter than Vatican postal service"
 
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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
 
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