Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)
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fubar57
General
I am without words...
Geo
Alex .
Airman 1st Class
Snakes on a plane 
The Frog and Golf
>
> A man takes the day off work and
> Decides to go out golfing.
>
> He is on the second hole when he
> Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
>
> He thinks nothing of it and is
> About to shoot when he Hears,
>
> Ribbit 9 Iron.'
>
> The man looks around and doesn't
> See anyone.
>
> Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
>
> He looks at the frog and decides to
> Prove the frog wrong, puts the
> Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
>
> Boom!
> He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
>
> He is shocked.
>
> He says to the frog,
>
> 'Wow that's amazing..
>
> You must be a lucky frog, he?
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
>
> The man decides to take the frog
> with him to the next hole.
>
> 'What do you think frog?'
>
> The man asks.
>
> 'Ribbit 3 wood.'
>
> The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
> Boom! Hole in one...
>
> The man is befuddled and doesn't know
> What to say.
>
> By the end of the day, the man golfed the
> Best game of golf in his life and
> asks the frog,
>
> 'OK where to next?'
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
>
> ' They go to Las Vegas
> and the guy says,
>
> 'OK frog, now What?'
>
> The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
>
> Upon approaching the roulette table,
>
> The man asks,
>
> 'What do you think I should Bet?'
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
>
> Now, this is a
> million-to-one shot to win, but
> after the golf game the man
> Figures what the heck.
>
> Boom!
>
> Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
>
> The man takes his winnings and
> buys the best room in the Hotel.
>
> He sits the frog down and Says,
>
> 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you
> You've won me all this money and
> I am forever grateful.'
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit KissMe.'
> He figures why not,
>
> Since after all the frog did for Him,
> He deserves it..
>
> With a kiss, the frog turn s into a
> gorgeous 16-year-old girl.
>
> 'And that,
>
> your honor, is how the girl
> ended up in my room.
>
> So help me God
> Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'
>
> A man takes the day off work and
> Decides to go out golfing.
>
> He is on the second hole when he
> Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
>
> He thinks nothing of it and is
> About to shoot when he Hears,
>
> Ribbit 9 Iron.'
>
> The man looks around and doesn't
> See anyone.
>
> Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
>
> He looks at the frog and decides to
> Prove the frog wrong, puts the
> Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
>
> Boom!
> He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
>
> He is shocked.
>
> He says to the frog,
>
> 'Wow that's amazing..
>
> You must be a lucky frog, he?
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
>
> The man decides to take the frog
> with him to the next hole.
>
> 'What do you think frog?'
>
> The man asks.
>
> 'Ribbit 3 wood.'
>
> The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
> Boom! Hole in one...
>
> The man is befuddled and doesn't know
> What to say.
>
> By the end of the day, the man golfed the
> Best game of golf in his life and
> asks the frog,
>
> 'OK where to next?'
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
>
> ' They go to Las Vegas
> and the guy says,
>
> 'OK frog, now What?'
>
> The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
>
> Upon approaching the roulette table,
>
> The man asks,
>
> 'What do you think I should Bet?'
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
>
> Now, this is a
> million-to-one shot to win, but
> after the golf game the man
> Figures what the heck.
>
> Boom!
>
> Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
>
> The man takes his winnings and
> buys the best room in the Hotel.
>
> He sits the frog down and Says,
>
> 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you
> You've won me all this money and
> I am forever grateful.'
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit KissMe.'
> He figures why not,
>
> Since after all the frog did for Him,
> He deserves it..
>
> With a kiss, the frog turn s into a
> gorgeous 16-year-old girl.
>
> 'And that,
>
> your honor, is how the girl
> ended up in my room.
>
> So help me God
> Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'
michaelmaltby
Colonel
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
michaelmaltby
Colonel
Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Crimea_River
Marshal
Reminds me of this one:
Texan walks into a bar looking for a fight and shouts "Ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Irishmen!!"
He looks around but no-one gives him even looks up. He then yells a bit louder "Ah say, ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Eyetalians!!!!"
Again, the patrons just shrug and go back to their beers. So now he's getting steamed and shouts at the top of his lungs "Ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Scotsmen!!!!!"
Well, at that, a little guy dressed in a kilt slams down his beer and jumps off his stool, struts over to the Texan and gives him a swift kick in the groin. As the Texan doubles over in pain, the Scotsman says "Meh name is MacPherson - M-A-C-P-H-E-R-S-O-N - and Ay'm Sco'ish throo and throo - except meh arsehole which is Brown - B-R-O-W-N!!!!!
Texan walks into a bar looking for a fight and shouts "Ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Irishmen!!"
He looks around but no-one gives him even looks up. He then yells a bit louder "Ah say, ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Eyetalians!!!!"
Again, the patrons just shrug and go back to their beers. So now he's getting steamed and shouts at the top of his lungs "Ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Scotsmen!!!!!"
Well, at that, a little guy dressed in a kilt slams down his beer and jumps off his stool, struts over to the Texan and gives him a swift kick in the groin. As the Texan doubles over in pain, the Scotsman says "Meh name is MacPherson - M-A-C-P-H-E-R-S-O-N - and Ay'm Sco'ish throo and throo - except meh arsehole which is Brown - B-R-O-W-N!!!!!
Just a little something regarding "Old Pilots and Bold Pilots"
Some years ago I had the good fortune to meet one of the real pre-war RAF pilots. Harry, a brusque Yorkshirman; had flown Handly-Page Heyfords in the Thirties, and had little time for what he called "Show-off bits of kids"... primarily, The Red Arrows Display team.
As the team performed one of its spectacular converging manoevers, he snorted disdainfully and muttered...
"Call that flying? Now't in that. REAL flying is cross-country in morning Lincolnshire fog with F**k-all on't clock but makers nameplate, and goggles misted up... now that's real flying."
He went on to fly a total of sixty types including a Dak. over Arnhem, and passed away peacefully, aged Ninety-five.
R.I.P Harry; One of the real flyers.
Some years ago I had the good fortune to meet one of the real pre-war RAF pilots. Harry, a brusque Yorkshirman; had flown Handly-Page Heyfords in the Thirties, and had little time for what he called "Show-off bits of kids"... primarily, The Red Arrows Display team.
As the team performed one of its spectacular converging manoevers, he snorted disdainfully and muttered...
"Call that flying? Now't in that. REAL flying is cross-country in morning Lincolnshire fog with F**k-all on't clock but makers nameplate, and goggles misted up... now that's real flying."
He went on to fly a total of sixty types including a Dak. over Arnhem, and passed away peacefully, aged Ninety-five.
R.I.P Harry; One of the real flyers.
