Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)

Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules

. "No Where Here To Go".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flames were shootin' from my butt
That bowl began to smoke
I turned around to flush it down
That's when the handle broke
Paint was peelin' off the walls
Green vapor filled the air
In the stalls next door they screamed"No more".
"We're losing all our hair"!!!!!!!!!
It's not much fun to call 911
Just hear them say
"Hold that gas inside your a$$
and call the EPA".
Soon they're pounding on the door
"We've been looking for you".
"We're going to take your rump to a nearby dump
And bury your toxic poo".
My belly began to ache and then it started to swell
I scream and shout
"Ive got to let it out"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They told me to go to hell.
The devil met me with a grin when I finally got down below
He said "My friend you've got to hold that in
There's nowhere here to go".

By Me
 
Little Johnny Meets Hillary Clinton"
Hillary was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms. Clinton if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Clinton. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Hillary searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Clinton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the roo
 
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

...
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''

He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,'' That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod
with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?

How did you get $34.50?''

He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"
 

Users who are viewing this thread