Quotes and Jokes

[Lucky13]

I fell off my stool in the pub last night,
A truly fantastic, yet sobering sight!
With legs akimbo I sailed through the air,
Heard my wife scream, and then watched the pub stare!
"It isn't my fault!" was the thought in my head
As I sailed through the air thinking: "I'll soon be dead…"
The problem you see was we'd taken the dog,
(He lies at my feet as I sample the grog…),
We'd tied the dog's lead round the leg of my stool,
(Oh, why did we do that? I feel such a fool!)
For as I was supping, it came through the door,
A bloody great mastiff you couldn't ignore!
I heard my dog growling, and told him to shush,
But then my dog launched himself, all of a-rush!
He took my stool with him, I flew in the air,
(I wish I'd been using a heavier chair!)
I flew through the air, since he'd caught me off-guard,
Flew through the air and then hit the floor hard...
The one saving grace that I took from this fall?
I'd not spilt my beer, no, not one drop at all!
I sat up and raised my glass, finished my beer,
At which point the guys in the pub gave a cheer!
I stood up and leaned on the bar with its ales,
And looked at the dogs (now both wagging their tails…),
I turned to my wife with the hint of a grin:
"I think it's your round dear, so go get 'em in!"

 

[Gnomey]

 

[javlin]

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Crimea_River]

Your wife is 12 years old?

 

[Wurger]

And the secret's out.

 

[javlin]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a
firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in
her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,'
yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

 

[Gnomey]

 

[javlin]

Shoot or Don't Shoot???

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked
as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".

"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".

"HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.."

"HE paid for your Football season tickets.."

"HE paid for our house at the lake."

"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."

"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."

"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[v2]

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said i...n court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Wurger]

 

[Crimea_River]

Always a pleasure to read those again.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]