Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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Lucky13
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MIflyer
1st Lieutenant
One day a father sat down with his teenaged son. "Johnny, tomorrow you start school. You know, now that we've moved from a small town to this big city, things are going to be different. Everyone knew each other where we lived before but that's not the case here. You are going to find that in that high school there are groups, cliques, and there might even be gangs. You are going to have make friends but be careful not to get on any group's bad side. If something happens and you are asked what occurred or what you saw, the best thing to do is to say you were not involved, did not see or hear anything, and don't know anything about it."
Johnny promised to remember his Dad's warning and it was only a few weeks before he had an occasion to do so.
One day in History class the teacher said, "We are going to be getting into 20th Century history this year and I'd like to find out how much you students already know about events that occured in your or your parents and grandparents lifetimes." She began asking questions of specific members of the class.
She called on Johnny. "Johnny, who shot Ronald Reagan?"
Johnny at once recalled his father's advice. "I don't know. I was not there. I did not see anything. I didn't hear anything. I don't know anything about it."
The teacher replied, "Oh, I don't like that smartass answer, young man! You are going to see the principle, right now!"
The principle asked Johnny the same question and he gave the same answer. "'Okay, young man, if that is your attitude I think you'd better go home for the day. I am calling your parents."
His father picked Johnny up in front of the school and asked what happened. Johnny told him and added, "And I did not even know there was any kid named Ronald Reagan in our school or that he had been shot."
His father shook his head and finally said, "Good going son! You did the right thing! You know, I never told you this, but when I was your age they sat me down and grilled me about what happened to some kid named Kennedy."
Johnny promised to remember his Dad's warning and it was only a few weeks before he had an occasion to do so.
One day in History class the teacher said, "We are going to be getting into 20th Century history this year and I'd like to find out how much you students already know about events that occured in your or your parents and grandparents lifetimes." She began asking questions of specific members of the class.
She called on Johnny. "Johnny, who shot Ronald Reagan?"
Johnny at once recalled his father's advice. "I don't know. I was not there. I did not see anything. I didn't hear anything. I don't know anything about it."
The teacher replied, "Oh, I don't like that smartass answer, young man! You are going to see the principle, right now!"
The principle asked Johnny the same question and he gave the same answer. "'Okay, young man, if that is your attitude I think you'd better go home for the day. I am calling your parents."
His father picked Johnny up in front of the school and asked what happened. Johnny told him and added, "And I did not even know there was any kid named Ronald Reagan in our school or that he had been shot."
His father shook his head and finally said, "Good going son! You did the right thing! You know, I never told you this, but when I was your age they sat me down and grilled me about what happened to some kid named Kennedy."
SaparotRob
Unter Gemeine Geschwader Murmeltier XIII
Saw that one coming. But I got the same advice.
ARTESH
Chief Master Sergeant
Systematic poverty means the decline of humanity!
Lucky13
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Lucky13
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Lucky13
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ThomasP
Senior Master Sergeant
Then the phone sales calls started, then came the running . . . and the screaming.
No, it was because women were becoming frigid.
MIflyer
1st Lieutenant
In May of 1975 a tornado made a low altitude airshow demonstration pass right down the middle of our apartment complex in Midwest City, OK. Among other damage, it destroyed a storage building on the West side of the parking lot, throwing the debris into the complex. The apartment next to mine suffered a 3 foot hole in the roof and a 57 Chevy received a dent over a foot deep from a errant Dempsy Dumpster that busted out of its RR tie corral. The storage building proved to be infested with tarantulas and someone told me that a little girl in the parking lot had one jump on her.
Late one afternoon a week or so later I had just finished a run, had removed my shirt, and was walking around the parking lot, cooling off. Then something jumped on my leg....
I KNEW what it was and swung my shirt down to knock it off. During the swing I realized that it was not a tarantula but some other kind of bug that looked like a grasshopper built along the same design features as a C-5A. Despite this higher brain function reporting and analysis I was unable to prevent myself from not only knocking the insect off my leg but also jumping up and down my shirt. From a lofty position the Personal Command Authority was issuing abort orders but the rest of me just kept beating the tar out of the shirt.
It's kind of like that scene in the Big Red One where Lee Marvin says to Mark Hamil, "You got him." Hamil just puts another clip in his Garand and keeps shooting.
Late one afternoon a week or so later I had just finished a run, had removed my shirt, and was walking around the parking lot, cooling off. Then something jumped on my leg....
I KNEW what it was and swung my shirt down to knock it off. During the swing I realized that it was not a tarantula but some other kind of bug that looked like a grasshopper built along the same design features as a C-5A. Despite this higher brain function reporting and analysis I was unable to prevent myself from not only knocking the insect off my leg but also jumping up and down my shirt. From a lofty position the Personal Command Authority was issuing abort orders but the rest of me just kept beating the tar out of the shirt.
It's kind of like that scene in the Big Red One where Lee Marvin says to Mark Hamil, "You got him." Hamil just puts another clip in his Garand and keeps shooting.
buffnut453
Captain
Swatting a tarantula with a shirt? That'll just make the tarantula angry.
MIflyer
1st Lieutenant
That was 1975. Now I have a Garand.
buffnut453
Captain
Which gives you 3 possible outcomes: deafen the tarantula, kill the tarantula, or shoot yourself in the foot/leg. The 3 are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
ARTESH
Chief Master Sergeant
When the judge asks the killer of Anwar al-Sadat, the president of Egypt, who was a member of the Islamic Jihad group: Why did you kill him? The killer replies: He was a secularist. The judge says: Do you know the meaning of secular? The killer says: No, I do not know.
In the failed assassination of Najib Mahfouz, the Nobel Prize-winning Egyptian writer, the judge asks the assassin': Why did you stab Najib? "Because of his writings, especially the "children in our neighborhood." says assassin. The judge says: Have you read the book? The assailant says: No.
The judge asks the killer of the Egyptian poet and writer Faraj Fouda: Why did you kill him? The killer says: He is an infidel. The judge says to the killer: How did you come to this conclusion? The killer says: from his books. The judge says: Have you read his books? The killer replies: No, I am not literate at all.
en.wikipedia.org
en.wikipedia.org
en.wikipedia.org
In the failed assassination of Najib Mahfouz, the Nobel Prize-winning Egyptian writer, the judge asks the assassin': Why did you stab Najib? "Because of his writings, especially the "children in our neighborhood." says assassin. The judge says: Have you read the book? The assailant says: No.
The judge asks the killer of the Egyptian poet and writer Faraj Fouda: Why did you kill him? The killer says: He is an infidel. The judge says to the killer: How did you come to this conclusion? The killer says: from his books. The judge says: Have you read his books? The killer replies: No, I am not literate at all.
Farag Foda - Wikipedia
Naguib Mahfouz - Wikipedia
Anwar Sadat - Wikipedia
Lets try and keep this thread for what it is about. Funny jokes and quotes.
Greg Boeser
1st Sergeant
In history class the teacher is lecturing about the various Catholic religious orders:
"The Dominicans were founded in the 13th Century to combat the Albigensian heresy.
The Jesuits were founded in the 16th Century to combat the Protestant Revolution."
Johnny raises his hand - "Which one is better?"
The teacher replied: "Well, how many Albigensians do you know?"
"The Dominicans were founded in the 13th Century to combat the Albigensian heresy.
The Jesuits were founded in the 16th Century to combat the Protestant Revolution."
Johnny raises his hand - "Which one is better?"
The teacher replied: "Well, how many Albigensians do you know?"
