Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

[MiTasol]

View attachment 657577

We had one of those and he only stole a certain type of meat pie.

One victim carefully lifted the lid and replaced the filling with minced jalapenos and made sure it was at the front of the pie warmer with Nick on the bag instead of his name

For some strange reason the problem went away

 

[special ed]

When I started my career after the Air Force (1962), I was in a department with three men in their mid 50s who had all been WW2 vets (non combat) but still had the military attitude. We often walked to the "Please-U" restaurant for lunch, where Russell would complain that the biscuits were yesterday's. One day after knocking the rock hard biscuit on the table, he carefully cut a slot in all of them and inserted cigarette butts. After that they always served freshly made biscuits.

 

[MIflyer]

At my grandparents house some decades ago, my uncle came in late one night, fixed himself something to eat, and went to bed. The next morning he asked, "What kind of potted meat was that in the fridge? I made myself a sandwich with it last night and it was not bad."

My grandmother replied, "You must be talking about that bowl of dogfood I put in there."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[special ed]

A buddy of mine, a huge rams fan, has two super bowl tickets on the 40 yard line 20 rows up. He paid $4500 for each ticket. He bought them not realizing it was going to be the same day as his wedding, probably because of the extra game this Year. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place free of charge.
It's at the Calvary Church in San Clemente at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's about 5'4" roughly 115 pounds, very pretty and a decent cook.
She'll be the one in the white dress.

 

[buffnut453]

I had a job interview the other day. At one point the interviewer asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I thought it was an odd question but I gave it my best try. I followed it up with my rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. I think I nailed it!

 

[buffnut453]

And, in case anyone doesn't get it, here are the incomparable David Bowie and Queen performing the song:

 

[Greg Boeser]

And then Vanilla Ice stole the intro.

 

[MIflyer]

She'll be the one in the white dress.

Is she performing at half time?

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Greg Boeser]

What is that?

 

[Wurger]

A gutter ...

 

[Snautzer01]

What is that?

Ski trail.

 

[Airframes]

No Parking yellow lines used in the UK - local Council gone mad !!!

 

[Snautzer01]

Ahh yes departement of silly walks is alive and kicking. Strangly but kicking.

 

[MIflyer]

What do you call Vodka mixed with Milk of Magnesia?





Answer: A Phillips Screwdriver

 

[Gnomey]

 

[MiTasol]

What do you call Vodka with prune juice

Pile driver


(In some countries hemorrhoids are called piles)

 

[special ed]