Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)

[Marcel]

An IT joke:

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

 

[Wurger]

And that's what we call the hardware/software support.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[special ed]

 

[Greg Boeser]

A WWII USAAF Fighter leader said, "A 2d Lt with a map is the most dangerous thing in the world."

You know you are in trouble when the 2LT starts with "In my experience..."

 

[MIflyer]

One day the Hotline rings in Hell. It's God talking to Satan. "Listen, I am missing an engineer! You don't happen to know where he is, do you?"

Satan laughs. "He's here! And it's great! Now we got escalators and elevators, air conditioning, hot and cold running water, TV, radio, stereos, and refrigeration. In fact, I am drinking an iced tea right now and watching the World Series!"

God says, "That's unacceptable! Send him up here! All engineers go to Heaven!"

"No way!" replies Satan, "I'm keeping him!"

God says, "I'll sue!"

Satan laughs. "Sue? How are you going to do that, Mr. Almighty? I may have only one engineer but I got ALL the lawyers."

 

[special ed]

An elderly man on a Moped pulls up next to a doctor at a streetlight.
The old man looks over the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
"A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars."
"That's a lot of money. Why does it cost so much?"
"Because it can go up to 320 miles per hour!"
The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look at the inside?"
"No problem"
The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, back on his Moped says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Moped."
Then, as the light changes, the doctor decides to show what his car can do. He floors it and in seconds he is doing 160.
He then notices a dot in his mirror getting closer.
He slows slightly to see what it is.
Something whips by going much faster.
"What could be going faster than my Ferrari?" he thinks.
He presses harder on the accelerator, and soon is running at 250 MPH.
Up ahead of him he sees the old man on the Moped.
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he accelerated more. Soon he passes the Moped at 275MPH.
He feels satisfied until he sees in his mirror the old man gaining again.
Astounded, he puts the pedal to the floor and soon is at max of 320MPH.
Less than ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again.
Suddenly, the Moped smashes into the rear of the Ferrari.
The doctor jumps out and finds the old man alive. He says, "I'm a doctor. Is there anything I can do?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

 

[special ed]

The definition of an ethical dilemma:

A man goes to see a lawyer and after about an hour, a decision is reached.
The man says, " How much do I owe you?"
"A hundred dollars should cover it."
The man left and as the lawyer walked to the file cabinet to put the money in petty cash, he discovers the man must have just come from the bank as there are two new 100 dollar bills stuck together.
And now the lawyer has an ethical dilemma.
Should he tell his partner?

 

[MIflyer]

A lawyer wakes up in Heaven (unlikely, I know). He sees an angel and asks her what happened. She replied that his time on Earth was up and he had lived a very long life..

Bewildered, he shakes his head and says, "How could that be? I was only 35 years old and was in perfect health."

The angel replied, "Well, we checked your billable hours and figured you had to be at least 95."

 

[Greg Boeser]

Today on the drive home we saw a U-Haul truck broke down on the side of the road.
My daughter said: "You ain't haulin' if you're stallin'!"

 

[ThomasP]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[GTX]

An oldie but still classic: Pentagon Scraps 'Lightsaber' Weapons Program After Gross Misconduct, Numerous Injuries

 

[Lucky13]

No we're not, needs to be rum....

 

[Lucky13]

 

[MIflyer]

Or, put another way:

I don't know how someone in 1946 predicted my typical Sunday afternoon so accurately.

 

[Wurger]

 

[Ralph Haus]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Glider]

View attachment 675885

For obvious reasons I feel that you should be banned from the forum, and sent to the darkest corner of the web to rot forever.

See the Thomas Crown Affair

I now retire in a huff for a sulk