Quotes and Jokes

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Two blondes meet in the park.
The first blonde says "Ooh, what;s that you've got there 'Chelle ??
The second blonde replies "It's a Thermos flask, Tracey. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. Great, innit !"
"Yeah, great", replied the first blonde. "What you got in in it then ?"
Chelle replied " Tomato soup and ice cream."

Yeah, I know.......... my coat's over there somewhere !!
 
A blonde called 'Chelle phones her friend Tracey, and the conversation went something like;
"Hi Trace. I got a big problem with this jigsaw puzzle I'm doing. I can't seem to figure it out at all, can you help?"
Tracey replies "Just look at the picture on the box, and you'll get an idea where the pieces go. What is the picture anyway ?"
To which 'Chelle answers "Well, it's a chicken, and it's all red, but there's no real background to help out."
"OK 'Chelle. I'll come round and have a look, maybe we can sort it out together. I'll bring some wine and nachos, eh ?" Tracey replied,then hung up, got in her VW Golf, and drove the 300 yards to 'Chelle's place.
'Tracey walked into 'Chelle's modern flat, and saw her friend sat on the bare laminate flooring. She stared, looked again, and then said "Chelle luv, put the cornflakes back in the box, and we'll have a glass or two of Chardonay "!!
 
Vladimir Putin consulted a fortune teller and asked her:

"How long will I live?"

The fortune teller replied: "I cannot tell you that... but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."
 
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