Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Greg Boeser]

When I was in the Army, I got a new specialist assigned to our team, an attractive redhead, named Amanda Waters. She was quite a looker, with gorgeous, emerald eyes and a big pair of, um, eyebrows. Yeah, yeah. Eyebrows. Anyway, one day I thought I might get lucky, so invited her out for a drink after work.
"No, Sarge," she said. "Lets keep this professional."
Damn.
Which just goes to show you: You can lead Amanda Waters, but you can't make her drink.

 

[ThomasP]

 

[buffnut453]

This is actually a true story.

Two Army Majors, surnamed Washer and Hiscock, from the same corps were planning their wedding. They discussed whether or not she would take his surname. Being something of a feminist, the bride-to-be asked if they could hyphenate their surnames. Hubby to-be, keen to keep his fiancee happy, agreed. Without thinking further, they told some of their friends. The immediate response was "Say it out loud, with either name coming first...and tell us you still think it's a good idea!"

Needless to say, the hyphenated surname idea stopped dead in its tracks.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[GTX]

 

[Greg Boeser]

Sam was out sailing one day, when he was caught in a sudden violent storm. He fought the wind and waves valiantly, but his tiny boat finally succumbed to the storms wrath. Clinging to wreckage he drifted for three days, before eventually washing up on the shore of a small deserted island, far from any shipping lanes. Over the next few days, he cobbled together a crude shelter from driftwood, seaweed, and other flotsam he found washed up on the beach. He subsisted on captured rainwater, and the occasional small fish he caught in a tidal pool near the beach. A week went by with no sign of rescue. Then, early one evening, he heard the sound of aircraft engines, and a tiny dot on the horizon appeared. It quickly grew into an aircraft as it approached the island.
Whooping with excitement, Sam lit his signal fire and waved his tattered shirt wildly in the air. The plane swooped low, circled the island three times and then pulled up. A dark object dropped from the plane, and as a parachute blossomed above it, Sam realized rescue was at hand. The parachutist steered the chute toward the island and just before touching the surface of the sea, released the chute, plunging into the surf. A few moments later, the black-clad figure emerged from the surf and doffed its crash helmet. Long golden tresses flowed across the shoulders of one of the most beautiful women Sam had ever seen.
"I'm Terri Klaath, of the Airborne Search and Rescue Service. I'm here to help guide the rescue ship in and take care of your needs until it arrives."
"You don't know how lucky you are. We were on our final search leg of the day, and they were planning on cancelling the search tomorrow."
Sam was speechless.
"Care for a smoke?" The woman said, as she unzipped a pocket on her sleeve. She pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lit two and gave one to Sam.
"Thanks." Mumbled Sam. "I haven't had a cigarette since my boat went down. This is amazing!"
"It gets better. How about a brewskie?"
She unzipped a pouch on her hip and pulled out two cans of beer. Ice cold!
"This is fantastic!" Raved Sam, taking a big swig of the frothy beverage.
The woman slid closer to him, touched his arm, and with a sly wink said:
"You know, that rescue ship won't be here for a few hours. We've got time for a little fun. Want to play around?" She began to unzip her wetsuit.
"Holy crap!" Exclaimed Sam. "You mean you've got a set of golf clubs in there?!"

 

[Snautzer01]

View attachment 691405

Fixed it

 

[Wurger]

 

[Frog]

4000 years later and still the same language :

 

[Wurger]

 

[MiTasol]

Origami pig puzzle

 

[Greg Boeser]

View attachment 691379

I need a few of these.

 

[at6]

4000 years later and still the same language :

View attachment 691453

Some things are timeless.

 

[VBF-13]

 

[SaparotRob]

What else but a "bacon"?

 

[Greg Boeser]

 

[Wurger]

 

[GTX]

Oh dear...

 

[at6]

Her holes? I'll pass thank you.

 

[bdefen]

I have been retelling "Sven" jokes to my club members as cajun jokes. Only the names have been changed. Boudreaux and Thibodeaux.

Visiting friends in the NOLA area a few years ago, we were treated to a couple hours of Boudreaux and Thibodeaux joke by a real cajun. He'd get into the patois, and we all couldn't stop laughing, well before the punch lines.