Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

MiTasol · Oct 23, 2022

and with minor changes those jokes were Polish when I lived in LA and Ukrainian when I lived in Alberta and are Irish here in Aus

Gnomey · Oct 23, 2022

Greg Boeser · Oct 23, 2022

MiTasol said:
and with minor changes those jokes were Polish when I lived in LA and Ukrainian when I lived in Alberta and are Irish here in Aus

My neighbor Stasiu showed up at my house last night, frantically pounding on my door.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I tink my vife is trying to kill me! Ven I come home from verk tonight I found a bottle of Polish remover on da kitchen table!"

special ed · Oct 23, 2022

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife and tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs. He misjudged the bottom step and caught himself, grabbing the banister, he swung around and landed heavily on his behind. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke leaving his landing especially painful. He managed not to yell and pulled down his pants, the hall mirror revealing both cheeks cut and bleeding. He found a box of bandaids and the best he could, tried to cover each wound before shuffling off to bed. In the morning, waking to intense pain in both his head and butt, he sees Mary staring at him.
"You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
"Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"It could be the open front door, It could be the the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it is all those bandaids stuck on the hall mirror."

Greg Boeser · Oct 23, 2022

That reminds me of last Christmas. I bought a case of scotch to give to my brother and in-laws as gifts. It was snowing pretty hard when I got home and there was a good foot of snow on ground. I grabbed the case out of the trunk and started up the snow and ice covered steps, slipped and dropped the case of booze. Every single bottle broke, and the whole driveway got ploughed.

manta22 · Oct 23, 2022

MiTasol said:
and with minor changes those jokes were Polish when I lived in LA and Ukrainian when I lived in Alberta and are Irish here in Aus

I remember an Aussie telling me that a particular Irishman had "been a deckhand on a submarine".

WARSPITER · Oct 23, 2022

at6 said:
Her holes? I'll pass thank you.

I think the journalist was taking a holistic view.

WARSPITER · Oct 23, 2022

Greg Boeser said:
That reminds me of last Christmas. I bought a case of scotch to give to my brother and in-laws as gifts. It was snowing pretty hard when I got home and there was a good foot of snow on ground. I grabbed the case out of the trunk and started up the snow and ice covered steps, slipped and dropped the case of booze. Every single bottle broke, and the whole driveway got ploughed.

If it's still snowing you will definitely need your hat and coat.

WARSPITER · Oct 24, 2022

The most terrifying word in nuclear physics - Oops .

special ed · Oct 24, 2022

special ed · Oct 24, 2022

WARSPITER · Oct 24, 2022

Three fish in a tank. One turns to the other two and asks ," How do you drive this thing?".

Greg Boeser · Oct 24, 2022

special ed said:
View attachment 691662

Funny, I was just thinking of how many hours are wasted waiting for the kids to show you that hilarious Tiktok video.

Gnomey · Oct 24, 2022

MIflyer · Oct 24, 2022

WARSPITER said:
Three fish in a tank. One turns to the other two and asks ," How do you drive this thing?".

The Pentagon has been described as a log floating down the Potomac with 20,000 ants on board, each yelling instructions on steering it. I found it a lot less rational than that.

As to parking lot pranks, a friend of mine said that he knew a guy in his home state of Arkansas who used to do one. He attached an additional starter under the hood of his car with a short length of chain hooked to the drive and a metal bucket over it. He would find someone sitting in a car in a parking lot, begin to pull into the spot next to them, pretend to be having trouble getting into the spot, then jam on his brakes and hit the button to activate the starter/bucket device. The result would be a very loud smashing noise, causing the person in the car to rush outside, only to find no evidence of a collision.

He also described how they used to build bombs and set up a timed fuse on them, place them in a remote area and just wait for them to go off. One day they set up such an infernal device on a scenic parking spot at a new lake that was just beginning to fill, a very low traffic area. They positioned themselves at a higher elevation further up the road and waited for the detonation. Much to their horror a man on a motorcycle pulled into the same scenic spot, got off his cycle, and walked around, enjoying the view. They realized they had no time to go down and warn him about the bomb and were relieved when he mounted his cycle again. It was going to be close, very close! The bomb went off just as the man was pulling out of the parking spot. He went through every gear on the motorcycle at least twice and was substantially airborne when he passed them.

Musta not been much good on TV in Arkansas.....

MiTasol · Oct 24, 2022

We used to fill an exhaust with talc then cover the end with a black rubber glove tied on real tight. Pushed the ends of the glove in the pipe and waited.
Driver would start car, glove would expand like a balloon and burst with a cloud of talc.
Driver would think their engine had crapped out.

special ed · Oct 24, 2022

A plastic bag stuffed into the exhaust will allow a short engine run on start up and, when pressure is up, it is blown out on fire. Not for the dry season in some areas.

After retirement, another ex-Kodak service rep and I went to work for a Kodak dealer. The two of us left an experience void at the great yellow mother, so the younger Kodak reps would come around to ask questions. One of them always wore very dark sun glasses. On one visit, instead of his usual pushing them up on top of his head, he took them off and sat them on a work bench. With my fellow prankster providing distraction, applied black electrical tape to the inside of the lenses. We stood at the door to view results. He jumped in his car, began to race off, flipped them down over his eyes and stomped the brakes.

Another funny was to epoxy a quarter to the work bench and watch. One guy finally got it, but the next quarter was silver soldered to a good sized nail and driven into the bench. It was there when we retired again.

DerAdlerIstGelandet · Oct 24, 2022

WARSPITER said:
The most terrifying word in nuclear physics - Oops .

That applies to the aircraft cockpit as well. Along with the words, "Oh shit," and "Hey, watch this" (The last one when said by a young LT fresh out of flight school).

manta22 · Oct 24, 2022

MiTasol said:
We used to fill an exhaust with talc then cover the end with a black rubber glove tied on real tight. Pushed the ends of the glove in the pipe and waited.
Driver would start car, glove would expand like a balloon and burst with a cloud of talc.
Driver would think their engine had crapped out.

A raw potato pushed on to the tailpipe provides ballistic entertainment as well.

WARSPITER · Oct 24, 2022

I got offered a job as an invisible man but I couldn't see myself doing it.

Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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