Maestro
Master Sergeant
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
- Thread starter Pisis
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room.
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my
sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road",
explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues
for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the
circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my
sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road",
explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues
for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the
circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was
hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ."
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was
hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ."
During the latest test of the rocket Ariane, a Frenchman was sent into orbit with a monkey. Each was given an envelope prior to launch.
When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey opened his envelope and read the instructions:
"Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings, correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls.
Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments."
Then the Frenchman opened his envelope and found the following instructions:
"Feed the monkey."
When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey opened his envelope and read the instructions:
"Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings, correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls.
Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments."
Then the Frenchman opened his envelope and found the following instructions:
"Feed the monkey."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Matt308
Glock Perfection
I think the title says it all:
10. Don't have to spend hours in the mall looking for accessories. The life support shop provides everything she needs.
9. Arguments are a lot shorter because you both use acronyms to insult each other.
8. She insists on buying a stroller with a gold plated canopy and the baby's name and callsign stenciled on the side.
7. A conversation about boom vs probe-n-drogue refueling turns into a night of dirty talking.
6. Her occupation takes her from 0-600mph in 18 seconds.
5. She brings you souvenirs from deployments in the travel pod. Everything was frozen but its the thought that counts.
4. She looks gorgeous in an evening gown or in a flightsuit.
3. You would never be tempted to cheat because you know she can put a GBU-10 through the bedroom window.
2. If she ever shoots down an enemy jet, you can spend the next 10 years telling everyone you meet "That was my wife!"
And the number one reason to marry a female fighter pilot:
1. She followed you into the men's room at the bar.
10. Don't have to spend hours in the mall looking for accessories. The life support shop provides everything she needs.
9. Arguments are a lot shorter because you both use acronyms to insult each other.
8. She insists on buying a stroller with a gold plated canopy and the baby's name and callsign stenciled on the side.
7. A conversation about boom vs probe-n-drogue refueling turns into a night of dirty talking.
6. Her occupation takes her from 0-600mph in 18 seconds.
5. She brings you souvenirs from deployments in the travel pod. Everything was frozen but its the thought that counts.
4. She looks gorgeous in an evening gown or in a flightsuit.
3. You would never be tempted to cheat because you know she can put a GBU-10 through the bedroom window.
2. If she ever shoots down an enemy jet, you can spend the next 10 years telling everyone you meet "That was my wife!"
And the number one reason to marry a female fighter pilot:
1. She followed you into the men's room at the bar.
!!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Guilty as charged. Heck I should know better, for I have actually accused Lanc of the same. So apologies Lanc.
And for those familiar with the song...
Thread police! They live inside my head.
Thread police! They come to me in my bed.
Thread police! They're coming to arrest me. Oh no!
And for those familiar with the song...
Thread police! They live inside my head.
Thread police! They come to me in my bed.
Thread police! They're coming to arrest me. Oh no!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
The train cartoon.
Henk
Master Sergeant
He he he....... Where do you guys get all of this shit?
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