Matt308
Glock Perfection
Pigs, Lanc. Pigs. You really need to move on from mutton. There are so many other animals from which you might derive pleasure.
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
- Thread starter Pisis
- Start date
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Matt308
Glock Perfection
For those who struggled with what to get their significant other for Christmas..
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
damn that's funny 
how the hell did you come across that one then 
how the hell did you come across that one then 
Works if you have no money and no ideas I suppose....
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
some good ones in there........
- Thread starter
- #947
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
LOL, one of our cats just drank up my mother's cup of coffee! LOOOOL!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Subject: Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of morale and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever! Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
22: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
23: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty i s no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
24: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox 360. End of story.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of morale and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever! Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
22: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
23: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty i s no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
24: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox 360. End of story.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
dragging the! frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease instead of one of the others?"
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
dragging the! frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease instead of one of the others?"
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Okay. I'm bored. Sue me.
Screaming Eagle
Senior Master Sergeant
Well it is popular that (mostly young) idiots like to wear t-shirts with this motherf****r and mass murder, just in case of "revolty"... Although they even don't know who he was. I very dislike these dumb people. We have the same here that a lot of people wear the palestinian scarves...
or people who wear The Ramones t-shirts.
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
i love them man rules but there's something very wrong about the frog joke!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
That's because the frog joke is just plain sick and demented. Thus, my favorite.
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
it'd be right up CC's street..........
Nonskimmer
Captain
I should e-mail that to my youngest niece. MMWWAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!! 
Maybe next Christmas.
Maybe next Christmas.
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