Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!

Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules

Status
Not open for further replies.
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006 .


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the Street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 
Did the part where it said "best joke in Ireland 2006" go ZOOOOOOM over the wee heads?

As opposed to "best Irish joke in 2006"
 
My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what
their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came
up--- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor,
lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet,
so when the teacher prodded him about his father's work,
he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret
and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they
put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is real
good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all
night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly
set the other children to work on some exercises and then
took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about
your father?"

"No," the boy said, " He works for the Democratic Nat'l
Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our
next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in
front of the other kids."
 
The patient receives a phone call from his doctor:

(P) Doctor? What is it?
(Dr.) We have interpreted the lab test results....i have a bad news good news scenario for you...
(P) Please Doctor...you are scaring me...what is it?
(Dr.) First the good news...you have 24 hours left before you die...the test results indicate this.
(P) Those were the good news? Can there be anything more terrible than that?
(Dr.) That we´ve been trying to reach since yesterday...
 
A good french man, a real gentle man, the ordinary citizen who pays his taxes was taking a walk down the Champs Elysess at night...the area was full of tourists and people, bursting with activity.

As he passed some alley a huge black guy jumped him, grabbed him by the neck at gunpoint...and shouted "give me a blowjob or i´ll have you shot".

The following conversation ensued:

(Citizen): What? A blowjob?? No please no...here, have my rolex watch, my mobile phone and my wallet please...look i have 500 euros in cash...
(Black Guy): -with the gun barrel pointing at the man´s forehead- I SAID...GIVE ME A BLOWJOB OR DIE HERE!!!
(C): No way i am doing it!!
(BG) -The black guy pressed the barrel against his forehead even harder, unlocking the trigger lock *CLICK*-
(C): -weeping- OK OK OK!!! I´ll do it!!

The guy started giving the black guy the demanded the blowjob...as he received the blowjob the black guy began moaning and breathing, putting both his hands down, trapped in pleasure...

(C): Monsieur...could you please put the gun barrel back at my forehead? I do not want people to think i am queer...
 
A girl goes to a bar after a hard day at work. There she starts conversating with a very handsome guy. After an hour or so, he invites her to go to his place and have some more drinks in a more comfortable place...

As he showed her the place, she noticed that his living room has several wooden shelfs filled with dolls and teddy bears of all colors, styles and sizes...the lower shelf has small dolls and teddy bears, the middle shelf had medium size dolls and the upper shelf has the biggest dolls and teddy bears...

The girl thought to herself "awwwww...isn´t it sweet???!!!!!!!"...

They started kissing, and after a few minutes all clothing flew away and proceeded to make it.

When finished, she was resting her head on the chest of such tender and sweet guy, "they are so rare these days...", and asked him: "so, how was it? liked it?".

The guy responded: "Not bad...you can take your prize from the middle shelf and leave. Thank you".
 
A guy decided he needed a penis enlargement surgery. Doctors suggested the most appropriate procedure should be the one of implating the trunk of a little elephant that had just died in the city zoo.

The operation was carried out succesfully. He then decided to test his penis; first thing he did was to invite a gorgeous friend of his out for dinner. They went to a Chinese restaurant, and it was there where problems started.

As soon as the waitress put the plate with the egg rolls on the table, the little trunk unzipped his pants, suddenly appeared over the table, grabbed one egg roll to then disappear back under the table.

She could not believe her eyes and said "My god!!! This is unbelievable!! Can you do that again?".

His response was: "Ummmm...unlikely, i do not think there is room for another egg roll inside my a*s".
 
THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
shopper ascends.
3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to
exit the building!

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, help with housework,
and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women
are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a new wives
store just across the street, also with six floors and the same
rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)

Similar threads

Forum and Server Software Update :: Tonight 8pm EDT 6-25-18
Replies
2
Views
1K
Wurger
Server Maintenance :: February 28th, 6:30AM EST (UTC -5)
Replies
6
Views
3K
Gnomey
B
move on +2
2
Replies
25
Views
5K
blobs
B
  • Poll
2014 Summer Forum Meet Up
2 3 4
Replies
60
Views
20K
Airframes
Quokes/Jotes...Continued!
25 26 27
Replies
538
Views
40K
Matt308
Menu
Log in
Register