Quotes and Jokes 1 (153 Viewers)

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

If you are disturbed by the change in the equilibrium in your relationship, get a dog (if you don't have one) and encourage your wife to meet other female dog walkers. Female dog walkers will convince your wife that no man is ever right.

My divorced sister in law has a dog that she walks, with other divorced women who have dogs. There are only two topics of discussion when these get together, that is dogs (of course) and men (what is wrong with them). I only met her with her dog walking circle twice, any male friends they ever had who heard what I heard would run a mile and then keep running. The funny thing is they were all looking for a man but somehow it never worked out with any of them.

A group of divorcees walking dogs, chatting, and all of them looking for a new man in their lives. Doesn't sound too promising, judged from the male point of view. Men who understand and live by the "Code" , no matter their ancestry, make the best: (1)husbands, or (2) boy-friends. Because few, if any women, understand the "Guy Code" and its rules and regs, informally enforced by males, they stand little chance in finding a new male companion they can learn to live with. No wonder divorce lawyers make "big bucks"!! Just my 2 cents worth--Hansie

 

[pbehn]

A group of divorcees walking dogs, chatting, and all of them looking for a new man in their lives. Doesn't sound too promising, judged from the male point of view. Men who understand and live by the "Code" , no matter their ancestry, make the best: (1)husbands, or (2) boy-friends. Because few, if any women, understand the "Guy Code" and its rules and regs, informally enforced by males, they stand little chance in finding a new male companion they can learn to live with. No wonder divorce lawyers make "big bucks"!! Just my 2 cents worth--Hansie

The only compliment my sister in law ever made to me was that "You have a strong feminine side, you look after your children well, and treat your wife with respect" There you have it guys, respecting your wife and looking after your kids is only a feminine trait. Revenge is always a dish served cold, when she had a minor bump in her car I simply remarked that she "didn't have any masculine side at all, which is a shame" that was when the argument really started. We havnt spoken for years, there have been two family funerals in the last five years and we manage to go through all the politesse without actually speaking or even looking each other in the eye.

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

The only compliment my sister in law ever made to me was that "You have a strong feminine side, you look after your children well, and treat your wife with respect" There you have it guys, respecting your wife and looking after your kids is only a feminine trait. Revenge is always a dish served cold, when she had a minor bump in her car I simply remarked that she "didn't have any masculine side at all, which is a shame" that was when the argument really started. We havnt spoken for years, there have been two family funerals in the last five years and we manage to go through all the politesse without actually speaking or even looking each other in the eye.

"La Vengaza"-- always a dish better when served cold- Old Sicilian wisdom-- very akin to the wisdom of Confucious- who said it this way: "A man who will carry a grudge against another, will end up digging TWO graves."--

 

[javlin]

"I MISS BILL"
It doesn't matter what party you belong to this is good natured political
humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses
Bill Clinton....
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

He plays the saxophone.
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him .... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves
this week with "Clinton Soup," in honour of one of the nations'
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water..
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in
the Oval Office between the Bushes.

 

[SANCER]

One morning, the husband returns to his cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although she does not know the lake well, the woman decides to go out in the boat. He goes inland, anchors and reads a book ..
A guard comes in his boat, approaches the woman and says:

- Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?
- Reading a book- she answers (thinking 'Is not it obvious?')
- You're in a restricted area for fishing- he informs her.
- Excuse me, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
- Yes, but you have all the equipment, from what I see, you could start at any time, I will have to take it and stop it.
- If you do that, I'll have to accuse you of sexual abuse, says the woman ...
- But I did not even touch you! - says the guard.
- It's true, but you have the whole equipment. From what I see, you could start at any time.
- Excuse me, have a nice day, lady, and left ...
* MORALEJA *:

Never argue with a woman who reads ... because she knows how to think.

 

[Wurger]

 

[Wayne Little]

good one....

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

"I MISS BILL"
It doesn't matter what party you belong to this is good natured political
humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses
Bill Clinton....
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

He plays the saxophone.
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him .... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves
this week with "Clinton Soup," in honour of one of the nations'
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water..
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in
the Oval Office between the Bushes.

Here's another "Slick Willie" story, if I may. Bill and Billary are in their new home, after his 8 years of POTUS-ing. Bill goes out for a walk every morning, usually gone about 1/2 hour- takes the same route- One day, a hooker is on the corner, she gives Bill and big smile and says:" How about a go, Mr. President-?" "Ok, how much?" answers Bill. She is not bad looking either. "$50.00" was her answer. "No can do, honey- $5.00 is all I can spend today!"

Bill walks back home, and this happens again 3 more times that week, each time Bill is gone longer on his walk. Next week, as he is getting set to walk, Billary says to him:"Honey, how about I come along with you this morning?" Bill can't say no, doing so might arouse suspicion. So they head out, but Bill plays it safe, and takes a slightly different route this time. Heading back, no sign of the $50 hooker, until he turns the corner- there is the $50 piece of tail, she looks at Bill and his wife- and shouts: "Serves you right, you cheapskate-see what you get for $5.00

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

Once more; Chelsea has a hot date, a Harvard lad-picks her up Saturday night at their upstate NY home, meets her parents-all seems fine. But Hillary, being the "mother hen" waits up for her only child to return-which she does, about 3 o'clock in the AM-- hair all mussed, skirt askew, her blouse unbuttoned, lipstick smeared- Hillary takes one look and says: "Chelsea, don't tell me you and that Harvard boy had sex tonight!" "Well, Mom, according to Daddy, we didn't" was her daughter's reply.

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

Can you guys handle one more Clinton joke?? Hope so-here's the last one I know. After Bill becomes an ex-President, Hillary decides she wants to run for a Senate seat in NY - Bill, being a career politician, thinks they should take a trip Upstate and hit the small rural areas- visit the bars and coffee shops, etc.

So he tells Hillary that they will rent a pickup truck, get some Carhartt's and Dickies from the Goodwill store, and rent a big friendly dog for the week-end and head North-- Bill feels they will blend in better than if they drove up in a BMW, wearing Armani and Vera Wang-- and all country folks like dogs.

So they end up far North of Albany- park in front of the Shamrock Tavern, and with their rented Labrador retriever, sit at the bar and watch a Knicks game and have a few brews with the locals. After a while, some locals wander in, and go to the dog, lift up its tail, look at its hindquarters, and walk away, shaking their heads, back towards the shuffleboard and pool table in the back.

"Honey, why don't you ask the next person that comes over to check out the dog's rear end-if this is some local custom-I've never seen anyone do that?"

"Ok, I will" Bill replied. After a few minutes, another farmer comes over, says "Hi" and checks out the dog-shakes his head and starts to leave. "Hey, Mister, Bill calls out. We are the Clintons, and we wonder why you and your friends here have to check out the dog's hindquarters."

"Oh, Mr. Clinton- we mean no harm- a bunch of us were across the street at Abner's Feed & Seed, and we saw you folks and the dog come into the Shamrock. Now, we see a lot of dawgs up here, but when Abner told us- "Fellas, why don't you go over to the Shamrock and check out the dog with two assholes-- and so we did!""

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO!

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

LMAO!

Danke-Herr Berserker- all out of Clinton jokes for the moment, but as they tended to be "Shaggy Dog" varieties- here's another joke, if I may-- maybe another LMAO scenario- I took that remark as a bit of a compliment.

Happy Hour-- gent walks in, sits at the bar, and orders a Scotch- sips his drink and hears piano music- looks over, and at the end of the bar, sits a piano with midget player--black Steinway baby grand in miniature- but playing Billy Joel tunes like there is no tomorrow-. When the barkeep comes by for his refill, he asks: "Say, that's really great, where on earth did you get that miniature piano and the little man playing it?" "Don't ask me, Pal"-was his reply- "It brings back memories of the worst day in my life."--

The gent ponders this while he sips his drink, and then flags down the bartender- "Hey, what's not to like- this little guy plays great stuff, and your customers seem to like it!" "OK, Pal- here's the story-- Two weeks ago, in the morning before I open at noon, I'm walking along the beach, and I see this lamp lying on the sand-so I pick it up, rub it a bit- and damn- this goofy looking genie pops out, all hung over, and tells me I can get one wish-one wish- none of that three wishes, but what the hey- I made it simple enough-and look what I ended up with!""

"Why are you complaining then-- I've never seen anything like this in any bar- what's wrong with that?" "What's wrong, you ask?- I asked him for a 12 inch Penis, not Pianist."

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Crimea_River]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

 

[Wurger]

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

A gent walks into a bar-mid-afternoon-- sits on stool and orders a Scotch-on the rocks. Ball game on the TV, bar has a few folks at the tables, two guys playing 8-ball in the back-just another slow bar afternoon--

"How much?" he asks the bar tender as he sips his Chivas- "On the house, my friend" answers the bar tender. "Say, that's mighty nice of you-thanks!" He watches the Cubs play the Cards, sips his drink- a while later, the barkeep asks him- "You ready for a refill?-No charge!"-- "Well, now that you put it that way, sure" he replied.

This goes on for several more drinks, the bar starts to get busier- finally he asks the barkeep how come he's drinking expensive Scotch Whisky "On The House"-- the barkeep tells him: "It's like this- there's a motel across the street,- and my boss is in that motel with my girl friend, room 111- so- I'm doin' to him what he's doin' to her-- even up".