Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
 
The Army explained........


"The system is really quite simple."

You see, all people in the Army are soldiers, all privates are soldiers, but not all soldiers are privates. Some are officers who are commissioned, but some are officers who are not commissioned. Obviously if every private was called private it would be confusing, so some privates are called things like trooper, driver, gunner, craftsmen, sapper or signaller. Not all of the drivers actually drive because some of them cook, but we don't call them cooks, for that matter, not all drivers are called drivers – some of them are privates or gunners. Gunners as I'm sure you know are the blokes that fire guns, unless of course they are drivers or signallers in which case we call them gunners rather than drivers or signallers just to make it clearer. All gunners belong to the artillery, except that in the infantry we have gunners who are called privates because they fire a different sort of gun, for the same reason we call our drivers and signallers private as well.

A Lance Corporal is called Corporal, unless he is a Lance Bombardier then we call him Bombardier to distinguish him from a full Bombardier, who is just like a Corporal. All other ranks are called by their rank for the sake of simplicity except that Staff Sergeants are called Staff, but they are not on the staff, some Warrant Officers, who are not officers, are called Sergeant Major although they are not Sergeants or Majors. Some Warrant Officers are called Mister which is the same thing that we call some officers but they are not Warrant Officers. A Lieutenant is also called Mister because they are subalterns, but we always write their rank as Lieutenant or Second Lieutenant, and second comes before first.

When we talk about groups of soldiers there obviously has to be clear distinction. We call them Officers and Soldiers although we know that officers are soldiers too, sometimes we talk about officers and other ranks which is the same as calling them soldiers. I guess it is easiest when we talk about rank and file which is all the troops on parade except the officers and some of the NCOs - - and a few of the privates – and the term is used whether everyone is on parade or not.

A large unit is called a battalion, unless it is a regiment but sometimes a regiment is much bigger than a battalion and then it has nothing to do with the other sort of regiment. Sub units are called companies unless they are squadrons or troops or batteries for that matter. That is not radio batteries and don't confuse this type of troop with the type who are soldiers but not officers.

Mostly the Army is divided into Corps as well as units, not the sort of Corps which is a couple of divisions but the sort which tells you straight away what trade each man performs, whether he is a tradesmen or not. The Infantry Corps has all the infantrymen for example and the Artillery Corps has all the gunners. Both these Corps also have signallers and drivers except those who are in the Signals or Transport Corps. In fact the Signals Corps is not a service at all because it is an Arm. Arms do all the fighting, although Signals don't have to fight too much, rather like the Engineers who are also an Arm but they don't fight too much either

So you see, it's really quite simple
 
God Bless the Infantry

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry. And God looked upon the Infantry, and saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children". Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain."

And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun. Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade.

For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, C-Rats, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink."

And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.

And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary."

And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed.

Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as Armor, or DAT's for short. And the Lord looked down upon the Armor and saw that it was mediocre.

The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines." To the DAT's the Lord said "Quiche shall be thy food, and bottled water thy drink. Touch not the sacred chow of the Infantry."

And the Infantry and the Armor dwelt in the land therein.

And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying "Lord help us, for we are weary."

And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen.

Then God took those of the Armor with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny manhoods and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."

Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for the diminutive stature of thy manhoods. Tryest thou not to hurt thyself."

To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way (more or less). When the approach is most open these shall (occasionally, with luck) confound the enemy's sight. When thou callest for fire support these shall (eventually) provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, nukes." However, the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery.

And the Infantry, the Armor, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. In time, the Artillery created the Air Defense Artillery, but quickly asked forgiveness.

And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying "Lord help us, for we are weary."

Again the Lord looked with favor upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armor, Artillery and Air Defense Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers. He took those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence. Those with thieving hearts He made Quartermasters, and those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps, and of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Transportation Corps, of the least articulate He made Signalers and of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant, He reluctantly created the Military Police and the Inspectors General (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chemical Corps.

And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.

Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary.

And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightning spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid. And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armor and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the earth Quartermasters and Adjutants and Signalers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, yeah though it be a contradiction in terms?"

And thereupon the Infantry did humbly abase themselves again before their God, crying "Lord, it is of these that we are weary!"

Amen, Amen
 
Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With a .25 Cal Pistol

I know many people think there are too many guns, but read this and you may change your mind!

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy-bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took; the bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection!
 

Now please describe cricket as that is even more chaotic. Only the Brits could create a game where side A has a score of 1000 and side B has a score of 1 but "it is a draw old chap"
 
BEHAVIOR
Details denoting the military in civilian clothes.

Option 1
: the two days reservist
Regulation combat pack with a '' 2nd Company ''red tag
A gore-tex or polar jacket
Messed haircut
A sweat shirt labelled '' Troupes de Marine ''
Headset jacks in the ears
Rapper's sneakers or combat boots

Option 2 : the mythomaniac warrior
Hyper complex wrist watch (with incorporated compass),
Black SWAT style rucksack, with numerous overseas operations tags, an elite regiment insignia sewed on it (even if the concerned soldier never served with it or only performed a one week training with them)
Partly unzipped leather jacket, with a T-shirt '' The devil is running with us ''
Dogface
Washed 501 denim (counterfeit, bought from the Albanians)
Martial tattoo appearing from the rolled up sleeves.
Black leather knife sheat at the belt, a second one with a I- phone.
Oakley sun glasses

Details denoting the reservist in uniform

the collar of the thermal shirt zipped to the neck
Combat boots sewing (brown) unblackened
Trousers uncorrectly bloused
Beret worn slovenly
Talks about some trivial exercice as if it was Kolwezi
Cammo I- phone frog at the belt
If ranked, sometimes condescends to salute the subalterns
Parka too new, with too long sleeves and worn unfastened
Combat belt too loose
 
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Now please describe cricket as that is even more chaotic. Only the Brits could create a game where side A has a score of 1000 and side B has a score of 1 but "it is a draw old chap"
Perfectly simples

 
Sounds like a local (Hursley) trying to explain to me the wonders of british bitters over german beers. I never understood!
 
The logic...

" When both sides have been in and all the men are out (including those who are not out), then the game is finished."

 

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