Quotes and Jokes

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

Some favorite NASCAR quotes:

"Driving a Nascar is like dancing with a chainsaw".
"There is only one lap you want to lead, and that is the last one"
"Why did I take up racing? I was too lazy to work and too chicken to steal"
"There's no bigger surprise than to be tooling along at 200 MPH and suddenly get hit from the rear"

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono, lead singer of the
rock band U2 asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... 'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard

Man can I relate...

Hillary's Limo Driver Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road oneevening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The drivertried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck andkilled. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to theowners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls tolobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with hisclothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensivewine inone hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smilinghappily,smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied,"thefarmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and theirbeautifultwin daughters made passionate love to me!" "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'mHillaryClinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happenedso fast I couldn't stop it. "

Loved those videos - the hillary joke was cute.

Two Jewish moms go to a Rabbinical court to judge their problem.
- "She's a thief! She lent my pot and didn't give it back to me yet"
- "She's a liar! First, I didn't lend any pot from her, second I already gave it back to her and third, it was useless because it had a hole!"

Marriage (Part I)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

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Marriage (Part III)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

Marriage (Part IV)

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him –

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, and he didn't see her.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


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THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2-pound can of coffee,
And a 1-pound package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gag, cough

quick, short, to the point!

I liked the drunk supermarket joke. That was funny. I have an uncle whose like that.

HOW TO PROPERLY PRONOUNCE "OKLAHOMA"

The proper way is...

"Okla... homa"

There is a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.

There! You learned something today!