RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, and 60's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter,milk from the cow,and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY no video/dvd films, or colour TV,no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!
Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating .
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, and 60's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter,milk from the cow,and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY no video/dvd films, or colour TV,no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!
Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating .
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Amen to that Gary!!
Catch22
Major
As someone brought up in our current PC world Gary, I'm offended by the fact that my decade is not included in that!
I tell ya what, you run for President of this third rock from the Sun and I'll back you all the way. Lets get rid of all the cr*p that fills our lives at the moment and go back to the 'Good ole days', cos they were !.
Failing that, when I've finished my time machine, I'll give you a lift back !
For those born before 1940...
We were born before television, before penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastic, contact lens, videos, Frisbees and the Pill. We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ball point pens: before dish-washers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes…..and before man walked on the moon.
We got married first, and then lived together (how quaint can you be ?). We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a 'Big Mac' was an oversized raincoat and 'Crumpet' we had for tea. We existed before house-husbands, computer dating, duel careers and when a 'meaningful relationship meant getting along with cousins and sheltered accommodation was where you waited for the bus.
We were before day care centres, group homes, and disposable nappies. We never heard of F.M radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt, and young men wearing ear rings. For us, 'Time-sharing' meant togetherness, a 'Chip' was a piece of wood or fried potato, 'hardware' meant nuts and bolts and 'software' wasn't a word.
Before 1940 'Made in Japan' meant junk, the term 'Making out' referred to how you did in your exams, 'Stud' was something that fastened a collar to a shirt and 'going all the way' meant staying on the buss until it reached the depot. Pizza's, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. In our day cigarette smoking was fashionable, 'grass' was mown, 'coke' was kept in the coal house, a 'joint' was a piece of meat you had on Sunday and 'pot' was something you cooked in. 'Rock music' was a Grandmothers lullaby, 'Eldorado' was an ice cream, a 'gay' person was the lide and soul of a party and nothing more, while 'Aids' just meant beauty treatment or help for some-one in trouble.
We who were born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch when you think of the way in which the World has changed and the adjustments we had to make. No wonder we are so confused and there is a generation gap to-day…..BUT
BY THE GRACE OF GOD….WE HAVE SURVIVED !
We were born before television, before penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastic, contact lens, videos, Frisbees and the Pill. We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ball point pens: before dish-washers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes…..and before man walked on the moon.
We got married first, and then lived together (how quaint can you be ?). We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a 'Big Mac' was an oversized raincoat and 'Crumpet' we had for tea. We existed before house-husbands, computer dating, duel careers and when a 'meaningful relationship meant getting along with cousins and sheltered accommodation was where you waited for the bus.
We were before day care centres, group homes, and disposable nappies. We never heard of F.M radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt, and young men wearing ear rings. For us, 'Time-sharing' meant togetherness, a 'Chip' was a piece of wood or fried potato, 'hardware' meant nuts and bolts and 'software' wasn't a word.
Before 1940 'Made in Japan' meant junk, the term 'Making out' referred to how you did in your exams, 'Stud' was something that fastened a collar to a shirt and 'going all the way' meant staying on the buss until it reached the depot. Pizza's, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. In our day cigarette smoking was fashionable, 'grass' was mown, 'coke' was kept in the coal house, a 'joint' was a piece of meat you had on Sunday and 'pot' was something you cooked in. 'Rock music' was a Grandmothers lullaby, 'Eldorado' was an ice cream, a 'gay' person was the lide and soul of a party and nothing more, while 'Aids' just meant beauty treatment or help for some-one in trouble.
We who were born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch when you think of the way in which the World has changed and the adjustments we had to make. No wonder we are so confused and there is a generation gap to-day…..BUT
BY THE GRACE OF GOD….WE HAVE SURVIVED !
Loiner
Senior Airman
Excellant, I like it. The younger generations have no idea how much of 'life' they are missing out on.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.
He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.
He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Ol' Blue
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
*****************************************
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck,
along with his brother, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
**************************************
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with eight children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
*****************************************
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck,
along with his brother, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
**************************************
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with eight children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Great stuff, and very true Gary.
Good one RA.
Good one RA.
mikewint
Captain
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Good ones guys. Gary, those are so true. I got this in a E-mail today.
Subject: Texas Style DUI
Only a person in Texas could think of this.
>From the county where drunk driving is considered by some as a sport, comes this
story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after
"last call" the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated
that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys
on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine,
dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken .'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight, I'm the designated
decoy.'
Subject: Texas Style DUI
Only a person in Texas could think of this.
>From the county where drunk driving is considered by some as a sport, comes this
story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after
"last call" the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated
that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys
on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine,
dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken .'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight, I'm the designated
decoy.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
mikewint
Captain
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies'
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies'
mikewint
Captain
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Got another one.
Welfare Check
>
> A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
>
> He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I
> just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
>
> The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
> We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
> Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
> drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
> your clothes.
>
> "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
> expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
> rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
> assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
> mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
>
> The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
>
> The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
