Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules

Don't know if it's been around but here it is.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of
it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, did
Santa
bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top
 
A sharpshooter gets into his favourite guns shop to buy a new rifle.
The seller shows him the one he just received the day before.

- That's the best of technology, with a laser cut telescopic sight. Look, this house on the hill is mine, Try to look at it through the sight and you'll have the feeling you're in the house.

The sharpshooter takes the telecopic sight, look at the house and says.

- Quite impressive, but tell me, if that's your wife I'm looking at, she's having a lot o fun.

The seller takes the sight, looks into the house and sees his wife with another guy.
He then takes 2 bullets and tells the sharpshooter.

- Man, I give you the rifle if you can put one bullet in my wife's head, and one in this guy's dick...

The sharpshooter takes the gun, aims, and say.

- Considering their position, I believe I can get both with a single bullet...
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
"Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men...
 
From an email this morning:



MATH QUIZ

This is amazing -- it's a simple mathematical exercise that can predict your favorite movie. It must have been created by a real genius. Don't know how it works, but it works every time!

Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math! Ok, just humor me and do it!

Movie Quiz:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 17 movies

















Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Now, ain't that something...?
 
Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman are sitting together in a bar in New York one day.

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 

Users who are viewing this thread