Quotes and Jokes

Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a picture of his mum and dad in all their gear so he got the underwater camera ready to go.. When it came to taking the picture the dad realized that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the 'OK' hand sign to see if he was alright.

The son took the picture and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to the surface, the son was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely panicking. When the parents asked why he said 'there was a shark behind you..' The dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true but they wouldn't believe him.So as soon as they got back to the hotel they loaded the picture onto the laptop and this is what they saw.

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An 85 year old englishman is travelling to France for a holiday. He arrives at Charles de Gaulle airport and eventually reaches passport control.
"Passport please" says the immigration official.
The old guy starts rumaging around his bag, "hang on a sec, it's here somwhere..."
"Have you visited France before?" asks the official.
"Yes" replies the old guy, "Many years ago"
"Well sir, you should know to have your passport ready when you reach passport control."
The old guy looks a little pissed off; "Last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport."
The immigration official is becoming increasingly impatient with the pensioner, "What do you mean, every Englishman who enters France MUST show his passport."
The old guy gives a really dirty look and replies "Last time I was here was June 6th 1944, on Juno beach and I couldn't find a ****ing Frenchman to show my passport to!"

Excellent Guys!

So there was the news headline in the paper...

50,000 women battered a year

And I thought to myself "Hang on,






































I am still eating mine plain."

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is…………………:



Always keep your condoms in your car!

Little Johnny watched, facinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face."Why do you do that,Mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful" said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"Whats the matter?" asked little Johnny, "Giving up?
'

Good one Njaco

Australian Tourism

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. (between brackets the country where the question was coming from)

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water with you.

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: "A-fri-ca" is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. "Aus-tra-lia" is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not…… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: "Aus-tria" is that quaint little country bordering "Ger-ma-ny", which is…. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked!

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink!

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them!

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in "A-meri-ca", which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
>
> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
>
> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
>
> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

> You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
>
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
>
> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Charles

Charles Schultz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the questions straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you somethg worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.

It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz)


Good Advise...

Charles

Putin' it in... Great Charles.

Sven Olaf were fishing one day

when Sven pulled out a cigar.



Finding he had no matches,

he asked Olaf for a light.



'Ya, shure, I Tink I haff a lighter', he replied.



Then reaching into his tackle box,

he pulled out a Bic lighter 10Inches long.



" Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven,

taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.



"Vere dit yew git dat monster??'



'Vell', replied Olaf, 'I got it from my Genie'



'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.



'Ya, shure, it's right here in my tackle box, says Olaf.



'Cou ld I see him?' asked Sven.



Olaf opens his tackle box

sure enough, out pops the Genie.



Addressing the Genie, Sven says,

'Hey dere, I'm a good friend of your
Master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'



'Yes, I will', says the Genie.



So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.



The Genie disappears back into the tackle box

leaving Sven sittingThere, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled

with the sound of a million ducks... Flying overhead.



Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf,

'Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks,

not a million ducks!'



Olaf answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat

DA Genie is hart of Hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'

All great ones!!

Excellent Guys!! Especially the Australian Tourism!!

All makes sense now!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

Great jokes guys...keep them coming!

Redneck Condo Tower

Somebodies been busy!

Wayne Little said:

Excellent Guys!! Especially the Australian Tourism!!

Click to expand...

Thanks Wayne! I'm sure there are some Canuck jokes coming too...