Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

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This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . .Who art in Heaven. . .
 
Two blonds were walking in the woods one day, when one looks down and says,"Ooo, look, Deer tracks!"
The other one says, "No, those are bear tracks!"
First one says, "Uh-uh, deer tracks!"
They were still arguing a half hour later when the train hit them.
 
Husband Down Isle 5

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?", asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?", asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful", replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

He never knew what hit him.

Steve
 
I saw a bumper sticker on
a parked car that read --- "I miss Chicago."

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read,
"I hope this helps..."
 
This guy was working along one day when he heard a voice say, "Get all your money out of the bank and go to the track and put the whole bundle on Snickelfritz to win!"
"Is that you, God?", he asked.
"Yep, sure is!" said the voice, "Now go get all your money out of the bank and go to the track and put the whole bundle on Snickelfritz to win!"
So he did.
Snickelfritz came in last.
"Dammit!" said the voice.
 
LOL! Meatloaf109, famous last words of the gambler: "I'm hoping to break even, I could really use the money."
 
Got this from the movie "Breaker Morant", (to be read with an Australian accent).
There once was a man from Australia,
who painted his @ss like a dahlia.
The color was fine,
likewise the design,
but the aroma, now that was a failure!
 
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