Little Johnny is at home when the Avon Lady rings the doorbell. Little Johnny answers the door in his underwear while holding a lit cigar in one hand and a half-bottle of wine in the other hand. The Avon Lady asks, "Little boy, are your parents home?" Little Johnny answers, "What do you think?"
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Classic!
I love little Johnnie
SNIFFER
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
SNIFFER
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
ditto ...
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century", he said, "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad".
I tell you, that damn spider never knew what hit it.
"This is the 21st century", he said, "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad".
I tell you, that damn spider never knew what hit it.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Love it Kirk!
meatloaf109
1st Lieutenant
Now, that's funny!
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
"Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you."
"Life is short, don't waste time worrying about what people think of you ,hold on to the ones that care, in the end they will be the only ones there."
"Take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live."
"A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be, a friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care, a friend is a feeling of forever in the heart."
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us"
"A relationship is like a rose, how long it lasts, no one knows love can erase an awful past, love can be yours, you'll see at last, to feel that love, it makes you sigh, to have it leave, you'd rather die, you hope you've found that special rose, because you love and care for the one you chose."
"We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart."
"It's not enough to have a dream unless I'm willing to pursue it. It's not enough to know what's right unless I'm strong enough to do it. It's not enough to join the crowd, to be acknowledged and accepted. I must be true to my ideals, even if I'm excluded and rejected. It's not enough to learn the truth unless I also learn to live it. It's not enough to reach for love unless I care enough to give it."
"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."
"Kind hearts are the gardens, kind thoughts are the roots, kind words are the flowers, kind deeds are the fruits, take care of your garden and keep out the weeds, fill it with sunshine, kind words and kind deeds"
"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others, we are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you, look past your differences, their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made and give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love, to withhold is to wither, care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace."
"Life is short, don't waste time worrying about what people think of you ,hold on to the ones that care, in the end they will be the only ones there."
"Take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live."
"A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be, a friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care, a friend is a feeling of forever in the heart."
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us"
"A relationship is like a rose, how long it lasts, no one knows love can erase an awful past, love can be yours, you'll see at last, to feel that love, it makes you sigh, to have it leave, you'd rather die, you hope you've found that special rose, because you love and care for the one you chose."
"We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart."
"It's not enough to have a dream unless I'm willing to pursue it. It's not enough to know what's right unless I'm strong enough to do it. It's not enough to join the crowd, to be acknowledged and accepted. I must be true to my ideals, even if I'm excluded and rejected. It's not enough to learn the truth unless I also learn to live it. It's not enough to reach for love unless I care enough to give it."
"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."
"Kind hearts are the gardens, kind thoughts are the roots, kind words are the flowers, kind deeds are the fruits, take care of your garden and keep out the weeds, fill it with sunshine, kind words and kind deeds"
"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others, we are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you, look past your differences, their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made and give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love, to withhold is to wither, care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace."
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Who comes up with ideas like this??
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Interesting.
You said it Aaron!
Indeed.
