Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

[Gnomey]

 

[muscogeemike]

RabidAlien's joke reminded me of this one:
A city man was driving in the country and saw a farmer in a field helping a cow birth a calf.
Interested he stopped his car and helped the farmer.
After the calf was brought out the city man ask the farmer "How fast was that thing going when it hit the cow?"

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, which had been slacking off, and So, being creative in Hill Billy territory he came up with a sure fire way to get his business back. A sign large hand painted sign out by the dirt road that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon the first local Hill Billy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. The owner explained that if the customer guessed correctly he would get his free sex after he paid for a ten gallon minimum fill up. The Hill Billy guessed 8, and the proprietor
said, "You were close... the number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same Hill Billy, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his chance for free sex after paying for his 14 Gallon gasoline fill up. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The Hill Billy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they
were driving away, the Hill Billy said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No, it is for real, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[meatloaf109]

Blonde walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger, please".
The librarian says, "Young lady this is a Library!"
"Oh, sorry," says the blonde, (whispers), "I'd like a cheeseburger, please."

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[javlin]

A woman from the city was driving through a remote part of Nevada when her car broke down. A Native on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles!"

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[VBF-13]

A blind man enters a female-only bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a spell, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, ya wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it's only fair, given you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender's a blonde girl;

2) The bouncer's a blonde girl;

3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate;

4) The woman sitting next to me is both blonde and a professional weightlifter;

5) The lady to your right is both blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it, Sir. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[meatloaf109]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Lucky13]

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand."

"Vision, it reaches beyond the thing that is, into the conception of what can be. Imagination gives you the picture, vision gives you the impulse to make the picture your own."

"Why does the eye see a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination when awake?"


"Even the wildest dreams have to start somewhere. Allow yourself the time and space to let your mind wander and your imagination fly."

"Things are pretty, graceful, rich, elegant, handsome, but until they speak to the imagination, not yet beautiful"

"The woman who appeals to a man's vanity may stimulate him, the woman who appeals to his heart may attract him, but it is the woman who appeals to his imagination who gets him"

I need to stop drinking....

 

[Glider]

Apart from the fact thay they lived the following product reviews would be candidates for the Darwin Awards

Amazon.co.uk: Customer Reviews: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml