Quotes and Jokes
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razor1uk
Staff Sergeant
"Adverts are like Bras: What they show is important, but what they hide is so much more Interesting."
"Having sex without seeing a ladies bubbies is like going to Pizza Hut for an Ice-Cream factory, only to find out they've run out of hundreds and thousands. You still eat it, but it's considerably more boring without them." - Kit Richardson (see/listen-to her songs)
"Having sex without seeing a ladies bubbies is like going to Pizza Hut for an Ice-Cream factory, only to find out they've run out of hundreds and thousands. You still eat it, but it's considerably more boring without them." - Kit Richardson (see/listen-to her songs)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Its the thought that counts.
Suppose it is....
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina state anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used tomato can for a carburator.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE!
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina state anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used tomato can for a carburator.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Got a good laugh outta this....the two kids in the first one deserve a medal!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
The last on is just PRICELESS!!!!!
Excellent, first one and the last one especially.
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on
the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know
who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman
and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed
In the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Steve
the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know
who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman
and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed
In the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Steve
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What did you get?."
"4 months vacation and five good leads.
Steve
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What did you get?."
"4 months vacation and five good leads.
Steve
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Both!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
The town's fire marshall was conducting a health and safety course at the senior center.
He asked Mrs. Frobisher, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
Mrs. Frobisher answered, "Really big ones."
He asked Mrs. Frobisher, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
Mrs. Frobisher answered, "Really big ones."
