Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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An old one but a good one.
I kinda remember maybe but it still brought a smile and RA
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had toBeat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
and RA Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had toBeat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Last edited:
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A4K
Brigadier General
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
Terrible!" the roommate answered.
He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car.
What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
Terrible!" the roommate answered.
He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car.
What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Got this one today.
Subject: Fw: Fwd: TSA Report
January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland
Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 535 congressional representatives had no balls.
Subject: Fw: Fwd: TSA Report
January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland
Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 535 congressional representatives had no balls.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS.
razor1uk
Staff Sergeant
By Adam Henderson Tales of the Tea-Drinking Bastard
Give me a motherclucking cuddle! [partially edited for PC-ness]
Men may not talk much about hugging, but I think there should be no such masculine social stigma.
Throughout one of my random walks in London at dusk, I came to realise there is a very intricate science to cuddling. Furthermore, I came to the conclusion that before today, I've been quite varying in my embraces, even subconciously.
As far as I can count, I have seven kinds of cuddle, as described below:
1) 'You're quite clearly european and into full body contact. I'm English and we don't do that to strangers, but I don't want to offend you. I shall observe your customs'
2) 'OH MY GOD I haven't seen you in 3 years, how the hell are you!?'
3) 'I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do?'
4) 'I AM A MAN! YOU ARE A MAN. I WILL CRUSH YOU IN MY BROTHERLY EMBRACE AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. FEEL MY CHEST MUSCLES! RAWR!'
5) 'I love you so very much and I'm just happy to be here holding you.'
6) 'Lady, I'm not just a big spoon, I'm a mother****ing gravy ladle!'
7) '….Yeah.. That would be my erection. My most profuse apologies to your midriff.'
I can't think of any friend I have where one of these types of hug or cuddle would not be applicable.
Give me a motherclucking cuddle! [partially edited for PC-ness]
Men may not talk much about hugging, but I think there should be no such masculine social stigma.
Throughout one of my random walks in London at dusk, I came to realise there is a very intricate science to cuddling. Furthermore, I came to the conclusion that before today, I've been quite varying in my embraces, even subconciously.
As far as I can count, I have seven kinds of cuddle, as described below:
1) 'You're quite clearly european and into full body contact. I'm English and we don't do that to strangers, but I don't want to offend you. I shall observe your customs'
2) 'OH MY GOD I haven't seen you in 3 years, how the hell are you!?'
3) 'I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do?'
4) 'I AM A MAN! YOU ARE A MAN. I WILL CRUSH YOU IN MY BROTHERLY EMBRACE AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. FEEL MY CHEST MUSCLES! RAWR!'
5) 'I love you so very much and I'm just happy to be here holding you.'
6) 'Lady, I'm not just a big spoon, I'm a mother****ing gravy ladle!'
7) '….Yeah.. That would be my erection. My most profuse apologies to your midriff.'
I can't think of any friend I have where one of these types of hug or cuddle would not be applicable.
Last edited:
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
