Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter v2
- Start date
Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules
Crimea_River
Marshal
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a
major fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he
frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
Sure enough, when he arrived at the small rural airport, a plane was warming
up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with
great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the flight
instructor?"
major fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he
frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
Sure enough, when he arrived at the small rural airport, a plane was warming
up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with
great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the flight
instructor?"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Heh. Found these over at gunway.com
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO I love the Angry Bird!
like 'em both..
Angry bird is awesome
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
The grenade cover ROCKS!!!!!!!
THE AUSSIE DUNNY POEM
Only those who have used an outside dunny would appreciate this.
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they there,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies lavatory, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three Sheilas' did before.
She missed the foot bridge - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a acacia sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the dames got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
Only those who have used an outside dunny would appreciate this.
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they there,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies lavatory, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three Sheilas' did before.
She missed the foot bridge - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a acacia sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the dames got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
This may have been posted previously, I'm not sure. I still get a big laugh from it.
Joe asks for 6 months of retraining for 'Cattle Guards! '
You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.
For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest,
cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings,
in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to
prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not
step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between
the rails.
A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were
over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his
proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to
fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten
President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a
request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of
retraining.
'Times are hard,' said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their
families be given six moths of retraining! '
And these two guys are running our country,
OH MY SOUL!
Passed on to you without further comment...
Now you do the same.
I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING - - - -
OH LORD HELP US!!!!
Subject:* The Preacher, the Bike, and the Lawn Mower.
>
> *A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a young
> boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the
> mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy
> me a bicycle." said the boy.
>
> After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike
> in trade for it?" The boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the
> preacher he hadn't ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn't sure he
> remembered how to ride one.
>
> The preacher told him, "Just keep trying. It'll come back to you." After
> riding the bike around a little while, the boy said, "Mister, you've got
> yourself a deal."
>
> The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a
> few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the
> youngster over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The boy said,
> "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
>
> The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a
> Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
>
> The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on
> that rope. It'll come back to you!*
>
>
> *A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a young
> boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the
> mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy
> me a bicycle." said the boy.
>
> After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike
> in trade for it?" The boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the
> preacher he hadn't ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn't sure he
> remembered how to ride one.
>
> The preacher told him, "Just keep trying. It'll come back to you." After
> riding the bike around a little while, the boy said, "Mister, you've got
> yourself a deal."
>
> The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a
> few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the
> youngster over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The boy said,
> "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
>
> The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a
> Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
>
> The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on
> that rope. It'll come back to you!*
>
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise in pay. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'. Silence fell on the congregation. From the back pew of the church, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God,but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers. 'The entire congregation said, Amen
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'. Silence fell on the congregation. From the back pew of the church, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God,but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers. 'The entire congregation said, Amen
