Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

I'm glad you guys enjoyed it! Here's some good ones...

All too rarely, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real (supposedly) examples that have been heard or reported...

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants".

On landing, the flight attendant said,"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There are 50 ways to leave your lover but only 4 ways out of this aircraft."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, Tn. a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that sure as hell everything has shifted".

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa...To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab a mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees (F) with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses...except for that gentleman over there."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

LMAO!!!!!!

Excellent Doug!!

Hold on to your Depends I got a few more for ya..

Heard on Southwest Airlines after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate.

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the gate.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. the airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that in light of his bad landing he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no ma'am." Said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

The rest I'll save for tomorrow....

All fantastic Doug, loved the last one the most!

Funny stuff Doug

great stuff Doug! Keep 'em coming!

Shot down lol!

True story from my literally millions of frequent flyer miles...

NWA out of Reagan National about 4-5 years ago. We were delayed by thunderstorms for about 2 hours. Reagan closes after about 2300 for noise abatement. It is about 2200 and they board us on the plane. I'm sitting in firstclass window seat. Guy next to me. Its raining like hell.

The guy elbows me and points to the ceiling. Its leaking water... [drip, drip, drip]. Passengers keep boarding.

About this time the cockpit door booms open and a pilot walks into the firstclass cabin with a dour look on his face.

My seat mate says, "Excuse me. Should we be worried about that leak?"

The pilot with calm understudy, looks at the dripping water cascading out of the ceiling, looks back at the guy in Seat 2B and says, "Not unless it gets above your head."

The pilot grabbed his bags from the overhead and walked out the forward door. The flight was cancelled.

Okay, for us geeks...

When an engineer gets mad. Be afraid.

Sad thing is, our young Mr. Monroe likely suffered an additional $20 bad check fee.

Nice ones matt!

Yeah..

A weary traveller stopped at a Motel in the middle of the night, only to be told no rooms were available. "You've got to have something" pleaded the traveller.
The Motel Manager paused, and said " Well, we do have one spare bed, but it's in a room with another man and he's a very loud snorer. This guy snores so loudly, that everybody has been complaining about him. You won't get any sleep if you share a room with him."
The traveller said he would take the room anyway, and the next morning he went down to breakfast bright eyed and refreshed.
The Manager said: " so the snorer was no problem then?"
The traveller replied, ": Oh no. As we were going to bed I bent over him, kissed him and said, 'Good night, gorgeous', and he stayed awake all night watching me!"

Here's the last of 'em guys....

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this plane is on the wing and if you can light 'em you can smoke 'em."

LAST ONE FOLKS...

A plane was taking off from JFK Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you , the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

I hope one and all have enjoyed these airline jokes and if I can find my "Maintenance" jokes I'll share those as well... such as...

PILOT WRITE UP: #3 Engine missing.
MECH SIGN OFF: #3 Engine found on right wing.

PILOT WRITE UP: IFF does not work in "OFF" position.
MECH SIGN OFF: It's not supposed to!

PILOT WRITE UP: Autopilot will not hold altitude.
MSCH SIGN OFF: Works fine on deck.

Doug, I saw a list of those maintenance jokes and if they are the ones I'm thinking of, they are the best! Hope you find them. I'll try to remember where I saw them.

Good laugh again Doug. The maintenance stuff is great too looking forward to more of it.....

Chris Wayne, I'm glad you guys enjoyed the jokes. It's always good to laugh. I'll look again tomorrow for the maintenance jokes. We're in the process of moving and you know how that goes.

A Husband and wife found it hard to get a babysitter and they decided the only way to make love at home was to send their eight year old son out on the balcony.
The boy, pretending to be a super spy, began to report all the neighbourhood activities…
" Mrs Smith is hanging out her washing," the boy said. "A taxi just drove by, a kid is riding his new bicycle, and the Brown's are having sex!"
His Mum and dad sat upright and said ,"How do you know that?"
"Because their kid is standing on the balcony too." He replied.