Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
Terrific Wayne!!!
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
I don't think this one has been posted yet but if it has I apologize.....
One day , in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here" says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opens the door to the first room
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No" OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a strong swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer time ,after time, after time. "No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented OJ.
The Devil opened a third door. Through it OJ saw Bill Clinton lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief and finally said "Yeah man, I can handle this"
The Devil smiled and said " OK Monica, you're free to go."
One day , in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here" says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opens the door to the first room
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No" OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a strong swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer time ,after time, after time. "No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented OJ.
The Devil opened a third door. Through it OJ saw Bill Clinton lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief and finally said "Yeah man, I can handle this"
The Devil smiled and said " OK Monica, you're free to go."
Heinz
Captain
!
Vassili Zaitzev
Master Sergeant
Cota1992
Senior Airman
Konigstiger205
Staff Sergeant
A4K
Brigadier General
Doug and Cota...
..A woman accompanied her Husband to the doctor's. After a check-up on the Husband the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your Husband is suffereing from severe long-term stress and it's affecting his health. If you don't do the following four things your Husband is going to die"
The wife was horrified. "I'll do anyhing" she replied.
The Doctor said " First, each morning fix him a big breakfast and send him off to work happy. Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritcious meal and give him a whole lot of kisses before he goes back to work. Third, after dinner, give him a massage and make sure you don't nag him about anything.
Fourth, and most important for relieving stress, have sex with him every day in what ever position he fancies."
On the way home, the husband asks his wife: "What did the Doctor say?"
The wife replied..."Your going to Die!"
Vassili Zaitzev
Master Sergeant
lol
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
lol
An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
What do you call a one legged Asian woman?
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Irene
[Hey no throwing fruit]
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Irene
[Hey no throwing fruit]
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embed ded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wonder ing if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embed ded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wonder ing if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Good stuff Guys...- Thread starter
- #638
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-plained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.'
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-plained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.'
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Thats funny !
Good one V2..
