Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)

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Planning ahead for the day when I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $49.50 a month!
 

Loose talk about a distant relative buried in the garden is a great way to avoid back ache from digging in the spring.
 
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
 
My wife is keen on ancestry and gets a magazine called the Midland Ancestor. Every so often they include examples of documents that people have found. The following is a will from 1947

To my wife I leave her lover and the knowledge that I wasn't the fool she thought I was.
To my son I leave the pleasure of earning a living. For 25 years he thought the pleasure was mine. He was mistaken
To my daughter I leave $100,000. She will need it. The only piece of business her husband has ever done was marrying her.
To my Valet I leave the clothes that he has been stealing from me over the last ten years. Also the fur coat he wore last winter when I was in Palm Beach
To my chauffer, I leave my cars. He has almost ruined them and I want him to have the satisfaction of finishing the job
To my business partner, I leave the suggestion that he takes some clever young man in with him at once, if he expects to make any more money.

This I admit, does sound a bit false but I do hope its true. The Lawyer would have loved to read it out to people around a table
 
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I'm not a fan of Guiness beer...however:

Four leaders of beer companies meet for a drink.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud then Miller's president orders a MGD and the president of Coors orders a Coors light. The president of Guiness, when it was his turn, orders a soda.

The others looked at each other and then asked Guiness' president why he ordered a soda.

"If you guys aren't having a beer, neither will I"
 
Knowing your environment .... facts

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is.0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one
doctor.This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a
doctor as by a gun owner!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at large,We withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
 
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