Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

No Sex Tonight

I have never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping
needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either!

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.
I don't know about that, answered a blonde woman guest. I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.
You'll let it out some day, the man insisted.
I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.

Another one:

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

My wife went missing for a week and when I reported it, the officer said to prepare for the worst, so I had to get her clothes back from Goodwill.

good one!

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with the light on!

> Read quietly then send it back on its journey
>
> To realize
> The value of a sister/brother
> Ask someone
> Who doesn't have one.
>
> To realize
> The value of ten years:
> Ask a newly
> Divorced couple.
>
> To realize
> The value of four years:
> Ask a graduate.
>
> To realize
> The value of one year:
> Ask a student who
> Has failed a final exam.
>
> To realize
> The value of nine months:
> Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
>
> To realize
> The value of one month:
> Ask a mother
> Who has given birth to
> A premature baby.
>
> To realize
> The value of one week:
> Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
>
> To realize
> The value of one minute:
> Ask a person
> Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
>
> To realize
> The value of one second:
> Ask a person
> Who has survived an accident.
>
> Time waits for no one.
>
> Treasure every moment you have.
>
> You will treasure it even more when
> You can share it with someone special.
>
> To realize the value of a friend or family member:
>
> LOSE ONE.
>
> The origin of this letter is unknown,
> But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.
>
> Remember....
>
> Hold on tight to the ones you love!
>

A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins,
not to discuss your community service."